Relationships

Signs of a toxic relationship and what to do about it

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No relationship is perfect. Even if you get along just fine with your friends, relatives, and partner, there will always be ups and downs. However, you probably know of some relationships that seem negative and unbalanced in the way one individual treats the other. Maybe you’ve experienced something like this yourself, where instead of lifting you up, someone you know goes out of their way to bring you down. 

Maybe a friend always makes backhanded compliments, or maybe a parent continually blames you for things out of your control. Maybe a romantic partner constantly criticizes or belittles your opinions, choices, or appearance. 

These types of behaviors are more than annoying personality quirks: they’re red flags that you’re in a toxic relationship.  

What is a “toxic relationship”? 

Charlie Health defines a toxic relationship as “any relationship that is damaging to your mental health, self-esteem, and overall well-being,” and it can apply to friends, family, romantic partners, or other people you know.  

Toxic relationships are often characterized by lack of boundaries, manipulation, and constant stress on the receiving party. 

Are toxic relationships the same as abusive relationships? 

No. All abusive relationships are toxic relationships, but not all toxic relationships are abusive. A toxic relationship is characterized by a lack of respect and boundaries. Sometimes these behaviors might be unintentional, if the person truly doesn’t realize what they’re doing and how it’s making you feel. 

However, if they don’t change their behavior after you let them know how it’s affecting you, and if they continue to try to belittle, harm, or control you, then you might be looking at an abusive relationship.  

Sometimes the problem is too difficult to handle yourself. If you need more specialized help, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you. Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.  

What are some signs of toxic behavior? 

Although toxic relationships can manifest in multiple ways, here are some of the main tell-tale signs that you’re in an unhealthy situation.  

  • They guilt you. A lot. Whenever you can’t or aren’t interested in doing something they want to do, the person immediately starts saying things intended to make you feel ungrateful, uncooperative, inconsiderate, or a bad person in general.  

 

  • You always feel like you’re walking on eggshells: if you always find yourself having to be careful about what you say and how you say it because this person often reacts badly, it’s a sign that you’re not in a healthy situation. Relationships should be a safe and open space, not a reason for anxiety, and you shouldn’t have to be guarded about every little thing you say. 

 

  • They make you feel bad about yourself: does your friend constantly make you feel embarrassed about the outfits you wear? Does a parent make you feel like you’re not smart enough (“Only a B+?”) or compare you unfavorably to your sibling? Although the comments themselves may only be small digs, they add up over time, they sting, and they create an unhealthy dynamic that erodes your self-esteem.  

 

  • Your needs are unimportant: you often feel like you’re doing all you can to meet the other person’s wants and needs, but you don’t see the same in return. In fact, when you bring up how you feel or what you want to see from them, you’re often ignored or dismissed. It can be something small like wanting an occasional compliment from your partner or asking your friend to sometimes consider your wishes when deciding on social plans.  

 

  • You don’t feel like yourself anymore: you spend so much time doing what the other person wants in order to please them that you stop thinking about what you want. Lately, it seems like you only go to the places they like, with the people they like, and do things they like. When you try to switch it up to something you want to do, they get frustrated or angry and either refuse, or go unwillingly and then make you, themselves, and everyone around them miserable. 

How can I navigate a toxic relationship? 

  • Recognize the need for change: acknowledge that this relationship is currently not healthy, and that you deserve to see a change.  
  • Communicate and set clear boundaries: talk to the other person and express how you’re feeling. Let them know what you expect from them in the future, and clearly define what’s unacceptable for you.  
  • Cut off contact, if necessary and possible: So you’ve talked to the person, but nothing has changed. Maybe it’s time to consider cutting off this relationship, if it’s possible. Here are more specific tips for different relationships: 
  • Friendships: You can either have a candid conversation with your friend, stating your feelings and your desire to end the relationship, or you can gradually cut contact, including on social media. It’ll depend on what you feel is best for the situation.  
  • Romantic relationship: if it’s safe to do so, and if you feel ready to follow through, have the same kind of tough conversation and plainly state your desire to end the relationship. If you can, make a clean break and don’t let yourself be drawn into “can we talk about it” or “let’s make this work” or “I’ll do better” conversations.  
  • In both of these situations, there may be drama, and others may choose sides and try to get involved, but your true friends will stand by you.  
  • Parents: we understand it is harder to cut a parent out of your life, especially if  you still live with them. First,  understand you have a right to be respected. It isn’t okay for parents to criticize, belittle, or embarrass you, just because you’re their child.  You also have a right to prioritize your own needs without being guilt-tripped. Once you understand this, start thinking of what boundaries to set. For example, tell them you want to be alone from 7-8 PM because that’s your time to do homework, or let them know your social life is not a topic you want to discuss. If you try to do this respectfully and they still invade your peace, we recommend using an exit strategy: be ready to walk out of the situation, whether means leaving the room or stepping out of the house for a while to meet with a supportive friend.    
  • Other family members: if you have an overly critical grandparent, or an aunt who’s inconsiderate of your feelings, try to avoid interactions. Unless it’s special occasions like holidays or birthdays, reduce contact with them to protect yourself. If a parent tries to push you to talk to them, explain why you don’t feel comfortable doing so. If you’re in the same room and they’re steering the conversation towards your personal life, deflect them (kindly) by saying something along the lines of “I don’t feel comfortable discussing this. Could we talk about something else?”. For more advice on dealing with extended family, especially during holidays, you can read this blog entry. 
  •  Seek support: talk to other friends and family about your situation, and if possible, reach out to a professional who can guide you through this complicated transition.   

     

    As we said earlier, it is normal to have rough patches with the people in our lives: sometimes we might argue, sometimes we might say something we don’t mean…but when these behaviors are the norm and not the exception, it’s time for you to reflect on whether this is a relationship that’s healthy or beneficial for you. Please remember that nothing positive comes from someone dismissing or belittling you, guilting you, or shaming you, then claim they’re doing it for your good. That person is trying to build themselves up by tearing you down, but no healthy relationship is ever built on communication patterns like that. 

     

    Need more help? 

    Here at The Bougainvilla House, we’ll provide you with safe and compassionate care as you take the necessary steps to navigate and leave these unhealthy relationships. To start your healing journey, call us at (954)-764-7337. 

     

How Is Social Media Effecting American Teenagers?

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For many teenagers, social media is a fun and easy way to stay connected with friends. However, there are dangerous risks in every new profile created. And Child Psychologists are starting to take notice! While there is still much to be learned about the implications of social media, here are the facts…

  • Over 75% of teenagers in the U.S. are using social media. 
  • Over 50% of teenagers in the U.S. use social media on a daily basis. 
  • Over 25% of teenagers in the U.S. are considered “heavy social media users” 

Social Media Is Addicting 

According to scientists, American teenagers are becoming addicted to social media. Why? It’s all about the likes! A study at UCLA observed that likes, especially on personal images, send a positive signal to the reward region of the brain. The brain’s reward region is significantly more sensitive during adolescence, leaving teens vulnerable to the gravitating effects of social media and the risk it poses on their mental health. 

Behavioral Health Risks

At The Bougainvilla House Family Therapy Center, we work closely with our clients to identify and resolve sources of teen anxiety and depression. The 21st Century is a fast-paced and interesting time to grow up in! Phones now serve as mini-computers, social apps connect users with major influencers across the globe, and risky behavior is propagandized throughout every media outlet. 

Now, more than ever, teenagers are pressured to conform their bodies, minds, and habitats to follow mainstream status quo. Furthermore, expecting to capture every moment perfectly, creating virtually appealing posts and avoiding scrutiny from cyber-bullies. Bullying has long threatened the likelihood of depression, anxiety and low self-esteem amongst teens. And social media creates a new platform for bullies to lurk victims and attack users without confrontation. It’s difficult for anyone to handle! 

Working Together 

Social Media is affecting American teenagers in ways we haven’t even begun to measure. While we can’t do much to stop negative user activity, we can teach teenagers how to manage the anxiety they are feeling about their social media. The Bougainvilla House Family Therapy Center helps families to establish healthy routines together and dissolve risks of social media on adolescent behavioral health. 

If your teen is showing signs of socially induced anxiety or depression, please reach out to us. We’re always here to answer your questions. Fill out our online form or call now to schedule an appointment.

⦁ Over 75% of teenagers in the U.S. are using social media.
⦁ Over 50% of teenagers in the U.S. use social media on a daily basis.
⦁ Over 25% of teenagers in the U.S. are considered “heavy social media users”

What is a Community?

There are two popular definitions of the word community. The first is “a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common.” This definition is how perhaps people from the outside might view people who come to a treatment facility. It is definitely true, on the surface, everyone is living there and they are there for the common purpose of beginning recovery from various types of mental health challenges and addiction.

However, at The Bougainvilla House, there is so much more to treatment than just people getting together in a shared space with a common characteristic. The sense of community is maybe not something that is visible on the surface. Rather, it is something that truly binds people together. When we choose recovery, we become more like the second definition, “a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.”

More than Commonalities

It would be easy to come together with all that we have in common and just form groups of people in recovery. But recovery isn’t like having a barbecue or other social event. Recovery is where we dig into the depths of our souls. We find the very best and the very worst in ourselves, and everything in between. We suffer physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And we make life-changing transformations, too.

At The Bougainvilla House, we are never asked to do all of that alone. Amongst the people with which we have both differences and commonalities, we also find fellowship. We are all on this path together, even many of the employees, and so when one of us is suffering, we all suffer. When one of us has a breakthrough, we all rejoice. We cry together, laugh together, and help each other stand when maybe alone we didn’t feel like we could.

Although each of us has our own journey in recovery, it is impossible to do it all on our own. So we reach out to those around us who support us, and we support them. They are people with commonalities and differences, people with strengths and weaknesses, people who have good days and bad. They are just like us and yet different from us, but ultimately, we all share the same goal: to be well. It becomes a fellowship of freedom from our addictions and a family of warriors for life.

Building Relationships in Recovery

Friendships made in recovery are made stronger because of the incredible things we go through during the treatment and recovery process. Also because we are learning to be present, sometimes for the first time, we are able to learn about healthy relationships. We can ask for help, learn to trust, and we can reciprocate help, too. Despite the fact that we are all pretty raw, we can build a support system of friends that we can lean on and they can lean on us.

These friendships are different from some we may have had before because we are all healing together. We all share the same guidelines, we are learning together how to set healthy boundaries. We know better than to be distracted by romantic relationships because we are carefully rebuilding our lives and our hearts. Instead, the relationships we build while starting out in recovery are the kinds of friendships that will fortify us and help us to find our feet again. The kind of friends that we know we could call at any time, and we know they will be there for us.

The Community of Family

Within recovery, those who believe in us, stand by us, and lend us a hand when we think we can’t go on become closer than typical friends, they become like a family. They understand what we have been through, because they have been there, too. They understand where we are at, because they are right here with us, too. And we know they will be a part of our future because together, we are stronger. Not only do they reach out for us to lift us, but we can reach out and help them, too. 

The friends and family we have had prior to recovery may or may not understand us, it may not even be healthy to keep them in our lives. But the family that we make while in recovery will not let us get away with anything, will call us out when we need it, and love us for who we are, no matter what. And we can do the same for them. It is truly a gift in our lives to join this fellowship of wellness.

Do we feel alone and helpless?

At this time of the year, wouldn’t it be nice to become part of something bigger than ourselves? This is the perfect time to recover our lives and give ourselves a new kind of family,  the gift of community.

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health challenges and/or addiction, don’t fight it alone.

Call Now: 954-764-7337

The Gift of Community

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community family friends

The holidays are approaching, and regardless of whether we are making the decision to enter into recovery, or are well on our journey, it can seem depressing in comparison to the ways that other people might be celebrating the holidays. But if we step back and look, we have just given ourselves the greatest gift we could ever receive. Recovery is not the only gift, either. Along with recovery comes the gift of community.

What is a Community?

There are two popular definitions of the word community. The first is “a group of people living in the same place or having a particular characteristic in common.” This definition is how perhaps people from the outside might view people who come to a treatment facility. It is definitely true, on the surface, everyone is living there and they are there for the common purpose of beginning recovery from various types of mental health challenges and addiction.

However, at The Bougainvilla House, there is so much more to treatment than just people getting together in a shared space with a common characteristic. The sense of community is maybe not something that is visible on the surface. Rather, it is something that truly binds people together. When we choose recovery, we become more like the second definition, “a feeling of fellowship with others, as a result of sharing common attitudes, interests, and goals.”

More than Commonalities

It would be easy to come together with all that we have in common and just form groups of people in recovery. But recovery isn’t like having a barbecue or other social event. Recovery is where we dig into the depths of our souls. We find the very best and the very worst in ourselves, and everything in between. We suffer physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. And we make life-changing transformations, too.

At The Bougainvilla House, we are never asked to do all of that alone. Amongst the people with which we have both differences and commonalities, we also find fellowship. We are all on this path together, even many of the employees, and so when one of us is suffering, we all suffer. When one of us has a breakthrough, we all rejoice. We cry together, laugh together, and help each other stand when maybe alone we didn’t feel like we could.

Although each of us has our own journey in recovery, it is impossible to do it all on our own. So we reach out to those around us who support us, and we support them. They are people with commonalities and differences, people with strengths and weaknesses, people who have good days and bad. They are just like us and yet different from us, but ultimately, we all share the same goal: to be well. It becomes a fellowship of freedom from our addictions and a family of warriors for life.

Building Relationships in Recovery

Friendships made in recovery are made stronger because of the incredible things we go through during the treatment and recovery process. Also because we are learning to be present, sometimes for the first time, we are able to learn about healthy relationships. We can ask for help, learn to trust, and we can reciprocate help, too. Despite the fact that we are all pretty raw, we can build a support system of friends that we can lean on and they can lean on us.

These friendships are different from some we may have had before because we are all healing together. We all share the same guidelines, we are learning together how to set healthy boundaries. We know better than to be distracted by romantic relationships because we are carefully rebuilding our lives and our hearts. Instead, the relationships we build while starting out in recovery are the kinds of friendships that will fortify us and help us to find our feet again. The kind of friends that we know we could call at any time, and we know they will be there for us.

The Community of Family

Within recovery, those who believe in us, stand by us, and lend us a hand when we think we can’t go on become closer than typical friends, they become like a family. They understand what we have been through, because they have been there, too. They understand where we are at, because they are right here with us, too. And we know they will be a part of our future because together, we are stronger. Not only do they reach out for us to lift us, but we can reach out and help them, too. 

The friends and family we have had prior to recovery may or may not understand us, it may not even be healthy to keep them in our lives. But the family that we make while in recovery will not let us get away with anything, will call us out when we need it, and love us for who we are, no matter what. And we can do the same for them. It is truly a gift in our lives to join this fellowship of wellness.

Do we feel alone and helpless?

At this time of the year, wouldn’t it be nice to become part of something bigger than ourselves? This is the perfect time to recover our lives and give ourselves a new kind of family,  the gift of community.

If you or someone you know is struggling with mental health challenges and/or addiction, don’t fight it alone.

Call Now: 954-764-7337

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