Carolyn Capern

Understanding and Healing from Self-Harm: A Guide for Parents

by

Kenzie* has suffered concussions from repeatedly banging his head against a wall. 

Jordan has bald patches from pulling out their hair.  

Nicole’s hoodie is more than her year-round trademark — it hides the cuts on her arms.  

 Stories like these are more common than you think. According to emergency room reports, self-harm cases among young women have increased 50% globally since 2009 — yet the stigma and shame surrounding self-injury persists.    

 We at TBH think it’s time to end the silence. We want to shed light on the issue of self-injury and equip you with the information you need to talk with your teens about it.  

What is Self-Harm?  

Self-harm, also known as non-suicidal self-injury disorder, is a condition in which people purposely hurt themselves without the intent to cause their own death.  

Self-harm is more common among females than males, and although it is not considered a diagnosable mental disorder, it’s often a symptom of an ongoing condition or problem related to mental health.   

How Prevalent Is Self-Harm?  

According to Mental Health America (MHA), approximately 17% of teens report some form of self-injury. It is more common in teens ages 15-19, and in those suffering anxiety and depression. The number of people who self-harm also varies depending

on racial and ethnic background. According to an article published by the New York Times, more than 20% of Native American teens reported self-injury, followed by Hispanic and white teens.  

However, teens may continue to practice self-harm as they grow older. MHA also cites a 2010 Journal of the American Board of Family Medicine report noting that between 17-35% of college-age young people are self-harming. 

Researchers have found a direct correlation between time spent online on social media and rates of self-harm. Teens who have engaged in self-injury were more likely to spend a greater amount of time on these sites as opposed to those who didn’t. This increased social media exposure was also tied to “greater psychological distress…and suicidal ideation” in teens.  

Why Do People Self-Harm?  

Individuals who self-injure can’t always explain why, even to themselves. Self-harm is often linked to trauma, abuse, the inability to express strong feelings in a healthy way and struggles with mental health issues. Some people self-injure as confirmation they can tolerate the pain, while others want to take out their anger on themselves. Others self-harm because they’re so numb that they want to feel something, even if it’s pain.  

Common stressors connected to self-injury include:  

  • Bullying 
  • Financial worries 
  • Difficult relationships 
  • Low self-esteem 
  • Abuse 
  • Grief 
  • Traumatic experiences 

Self-harm can also be a sign of an underlying mental health condition like:  

  • Anxiety 
  • Depression  
  • ADHD 
  • Eating disorders 
  • Borderline personality disorder 
  • Substance abuse  

Forms of Self-Harm 

 While cutting is the best-known form of self-harm, other methods are also used: 

  • Piercing skin with sharp objects 
  • Burning skin with lighters, cigarettes, household cleaners, etc.  
  • Hitting or punching a wall 
  • Deliberate bruising 
  • Starving or binge eating  
  • Pulling out hair 
  • Misusing alcohol or recreational drugs 
  • Biting 

Warning Signs 

Signs like these could be an indication your teen is self-harming: 

  • Wearing long sleeves or pants, even in hot weather 
  • Scars, cuts, bruises or burns with no reasonable explanation 
  • Repeatedly picking at scabs 
  • Changes in mood, including impulsive behavior  
  • Withdrawal from activities and friendships 
  • Unusual presence of sharp objects  
  • Frequent talk about “accidental” injuries 

What to do if your teen is self-harming  

Don’t dismiss your suspicions or avoid the uncomfortable conversation you must have with your teen. Instead, try initiating a meaningful conversation about their mental health and about your concern that they may be self-harming. Let them know they can tell you anything and that you will listen. Approaching them with a compassionate, nonjudgmental attitude tells them they can feel safe with you.  

When you bring up this subject, be prepared for denials and other strong reactions. Above all, remain calm.  Don’t force your teen to talk about it if they don’t want to. Young people insist that’s not helpful, so be patient with them and remain understanding. Let them know you care and that they can talk to you whenever they are ready.  

Offer help and first aid 

Your teen may be embarrassed and resist talking about their self-harm, but one way to make it easier for them, and to open the door to future conversations, is to show them they matter to you by offering to help them take care of their injuries.  Phrases like these can foster the trust and care your teen needs:  

“Here’s an ice pack for that bump on your head.” 

“Do you want some antibiotic ointment for the cut on your arm?” 

“This burn cream will help with the pain.” 

These small actions help to show your teen that their body matters, and so do they.  

Encourage Them to Seek Help.  

Let your teen know you want to support them and help them find the professional care they need.  Your teen may be more comfortable starting with someone they already know – their primary care doctor. This also gives you the opportunity to discuss your concerns with their doctor, who may be able to refer you to a mental health specialist within your network.  

Another good place to start is the self-harm crisis hotline, which provides free support 24/7 and can also help you locate professional help.  

If you’re dealing with a difficult situation and need to talk to someone immediately, you can text CONNECT to 741741.   

Alternatives to Self-Harming  

Your teen may need alternatives to distract them from self-harming. Help them find healthier ways to channel their feelings and manage their emotions. Here are some suggestions they can try:  

If they’re feeling angry, they can: 

  • Slash an empty plastic bottle  
  • Pop balloons or bubble wrap 
  • Exercise 
  • Hit a punching bag  
  • Snap a hair band on their wrist 
  • Tear or shred paper 
  • Flatten aluminum cans or boxes for recycling 
  • Throw ice cubes against a bathtub, or slam pillows against a wall 

If they’re feeling sad, they can: 

  • Take a hot bath 
  • Spend some time with a pet  
  • Play, sing, or listen to soothing music 
  • Walk in nature 
  • Hug a loved one (even a beloved stuffed animal) 
  • Cook some yummy treats 

If they feel numb, they can: 

  • Squeeze ice 
  • Take a cold bath/shower 
  • Try a diffuser with pungent or potent-smelling essential oils, such as peppermint or cinnamon 
  • Practice meditation and mindful breathing 
  • Dip their fingers into a cold food, like ice cream 
  • Make slime or playdough 

If your teen still feels the urge to hurt themselves, they can try this: 

  • Place stickers, bandages, or fake tattoos wherever they want to injure themselves 
  • Draw on themselves with red marker 
  • Paint on themselves with red tempera paint 
  • Play with face paint 

For more options, the Adolescent Self Injury Association has this free document of 146 alternatives to self-harming.  

Self-harm is a red flag, indicating your teen is struggling with mental health or other issues. If a young person in your life is struggling with self-injury, ending the silence is an important first step toward recovery. Here at The Bougainvilla House, we’ll provide your teen with a safe space, compassionate care, and guidance to help them cope and recover.  

To start their healing journey, call us at (954)-764-7337 

*These are fictional names.  

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