Family

When a loved one is seriously ill: Helping your family cope

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You know life comes with challenges and surprises, but nothing could have prepared you for that diagnosis. Whether it’s your parent, child, sibling, or  partner, a tough health condition can dramatically change their life, yours, and your family’s. 

Serious and debilitating chronic conditions like kidney disease or life-threatening diagnoses like cancer or ALS place emotional and physical burdens on both the patient and those who support them. 

Navigating this new chapter of life can profoundly affect everyone in the family, which is why we want to offer some advice and resources to help all of you navigate this unsettling new chapter. 

How to Tell Your Children 

Processing the  news yourself is hard enough, but now you have to share it with your children. It’s natural to worry about how they will take the news, especially if it’s a deeply loved parent, grandparent or other relative. We hope this guidance will help you support them as well as the person facing the diagnosis. 

Find the right time. 

Before you tell your children, make sure you’ve processed the news yourself, so that you can remain composed and able to comfort them and answer their questions. Look for a good opportunity when both you and your children have undistracted time to talk.  If you have multiple children of different ages, you may wish to talk to them separately, if possible, while still ensuring you are the one to break the news. This might make it easier  to tailor your message, accounting for the different ages and maturity levels. 

Use language they will understand. 

With younger children, share a brief and simple explanation of what they can expect. Name the disease and tell them what physical signs they can expect (e.g. losing hair because of chemo). Reassure them that neither you nor they will get sick as well. Most importantly, explain how this disease is different from a more common illness like the flu. 

With an older child or teen, you may want to go more in-depth, giving more specifics on their loved one’s treatment and prognosis.  

Prepare them for possible changes to everyday life. 

 Let your child(ren) know you might have to spend more time at the hospital or driving their loved ones to appointments, that it might mean schedule changes, and that it’s part of making sure your family member gets the medical care they need.  This is also a good opportunity to let your child(ren) know you’ll still be there for them, but you’ll be a bit busier. 

Encourage children and teens to comfortably spend time with their sick loved one. 

Your children and teens may want to spend more time with their loved one, who may also want to remain part of their lives and not isolated from the family.  Encourage them to find ways to bond and spend time together, whether it’s building a Lego project, doing a puzzle, playing games, watching movies together, or any activity they enjoy and that the ill loved one can handle.  

Let your children know they don’t need to put their life on hold for their relative’s diagnosis. 

Upon hearing the news, some children and teens might feel pressure to change their lives and spend more time with their sick loved ones. While it’s normal for them to want to spend more time with their relative, assure them that they can and should live their own lives too. 

Just because Grandma is undergoing treatment doesn’t mean your teen has to quit the swim team or their part time job or give up hanging out with friends. It’s healthy for them to continue to live a normal child’s or teen’s life, with age-appropriate concerns, activities, desires, and aspirations. 

How Families Can Cope 

Whether you’re shouldering most of the responsibility, or are indirectly affected, we know a serious diagnosis can shake the entire family. Here are some ways you can all take care of each other:  

  • Talk about your feelings: Talk to someone you trust about what you’re going through and what you’re feeling, and don’t bottle it up. Encourage your children to do the same, and check in up regularly toon see how they’re feeling. 
  • Lean on each other for support: You’re not alone in this journey;  your family and friends are there for you. Whether it’s talking to a sibling, asking a friend to drive your child to practice, or spending more time with your children, find a way you all feel supported and cared for. 
  • Be understanding: With the additional stress, know that everyone’s feelings (including yours) might be running high. If your children act out or are a little crabby or emotional, try to be understanding. Be consistent with consequences but also take time to understand how they’re really feeling. This is also a good chance for you to open up and share your own feelings with them in an age-appropriate way.  
  • Take care of yourself: Even if you’re short on time, don’t neglect basic needs like eating healthy food, drinking water, sleeping, showering, and getting some form of exercise. As simple as these may sound, taking care of yourself is essential. If you  have some extra time, do something you enjoy, whether on your own or with your family.  
  • Find additional support (e.g. therapy or support groups): If the situation has become overwhelming, it might be best to look for more support. Seeing a therapist and/or joining a support group can be important first steps to take. You may also want to consider a meal delivery service, housekeeping help, or an additional caretaker for your children, if your schedule has become too full with your new responsibilities. 

Conclusion 

We understand that when a family member receives a serious health diagnosis, it can change your family dynamics overnight, but you don’t have to do this alone. Lean on each other and on your friends, and you’ll get through these tough times. 

And if you feel like a child or teen in your family needs more support, we’re here to help them with compassionate counseling and appropriate coping mechanisms. Give us a call at (954)-764-7337 —  The Bougainvilla House is here for them and for you. 

 

Sources used: 

https://www.loyola.edu/department/counseling-center/services/students/concerns/illness-loved-one.html 

https://www.dpcedcenter.org/news-events/news/when-your-parent-is-sick-tips-for-children-on-managing-feelings/ 

https://www.everettclinic.com/health-wellness-library/sick-parent.html 

https://aurrumkids.com.au/news/how-change-in-routine-affects-child/

Signs of a toxic relationship and what to do about it

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No relationship is perfect. Even if you get along just fine with your friends, relatives, and partner, there will always be ups and downs. However, you probably know of some relationships that seem negative and unbalanced in the way one individual treats the other. Maybe you’ve experienced something like this yourself, where instead of lifting you up, someone you know goes out of their way to bring you down. 

Maybe a friend always makes backhanded compliments, or maybe a parent continually blames you for things out of your control. Maybe a romantic partner constantly criticizes or belittles your opinions, choices, or appearance. 

These types of behaviors are more than annoying personality quirks: they’re red flags that you’re in a toxic relationship.  

What is a “toxic relationship”? 

Charlie Health defines a toxic relationship as “any relationship that is damaging to your mental health, self-esteem, and overall well-being,” and it can apply to friends, family, romantic partners, or other people you know.  

Toxic relationships are often characterized by lack of boundaries, manipulation, and constant stress on the receiving party. 

Are toxic relationships the same as abusive relationships? 

No. All abusive relationships are toxic relationships, but not all toxic relationships are abusive. A toxic relationship is characterized by a lack of respect and boundaries. Sometimes these behaviors might be unintentional, if the person truly doesn’t realize what they’re doing and how it’s making you feel. 

However, if they don’t change their behavior after you let them know how it’s affecting you, and if they continue to try to belittle, harm, or control you, then you might be looking at an abusive relationship.  

Sometimes the problem is too difficult to handle yourself. If you need more specialized help, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you. Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.  

What are some signs of toxic behavior? 

Although toxic relationships can manifest in multiple ways, here are some of the main tell-tale signs that you’re in an unhealthy situation.  

  • They guilt you. A lot. Whenever you can’t or aren’t interested in doing something they want to do, the person immediately starts saying things intended to make you feel ungrateful, uncooperative, inconsiderate, or a bad person in general.  

 

  • You always feel like you’re walking on eggshells: if you always find yourself having to be careful about what you say and how you say it because this person often reacts badly, it’s a sign that you’re not in a healthy situation. Relationships should be a safe and open space, not a reason for anxiety, and you shouldn’t have to be guarded about every little thing you say. 

 

  • They make you feel bad about yourself: does your friend constantly make you feel embarrassed about the outfits you wear? Does a parent make you feel like you’re not smart enough (“Only a B+?”) or compare you unfavorably to your sibling? Although the comments themselves may only be small digs, they add up over time, they sting, and they create an unhealthy dynamic that erodes your self-esteem.  

 

  • Your needs are unimportant: you often feel like you’re doing all you can to meet the other person’s wants and needs, but you don’t see the same in return. In fact, when you bring up how you feel or what you want to see from them, you’re often ignored or dismissed. It can be something small like wanting an occasional compliment from your partner or asking your friend to sometimes consider your wishes when deciding on social plans.  

 

  • You don’t feel like yourself anymore: you spend so much time doing what the other person wants in order to please them that you stop thinking about what you want. Lately, it seems like you only go to the places they like, with the people they like, and do things they like. When you try to switch it up to something you want to do, they get frustrated or angry and either refuse, or go unwillingly and then make you, themselves, and everyone around them miserable. 

How can I navigate a toxic relationship? 

  • Recognize the need for change: acknowledge that this relationship is currently not healthy, and that you deserve to see a change.  
  • Communicate and set clear boundaries: talk to the other person and express how you’re feeling. Let them know what you expect from them in the future, and clearly define what’s unacceptable for you.  
  • Cut off contact, if necessary and possible: So you’ve talked to the person, but nothing has changed. Maybe it’s time to consider cutting off this relationship, if it’s possible. Here are more specific tips for different relationships: 
  • Friendships: You can either have a candid conversation with your friend, stating your feelings and your desire to end the relationship, or you can gradually cut contact, including on social media. It’ll depend on what you feel is best for the situation.  
  • Romantic relationship: if it’s safe to do so, and if you feel ready to follow through, have the same kind of tough conversation and plainly state your desire to end the relationship. If you can, make a clean break and don’t let yourself be drawn into “can we talk about it” or “let’s make this work” or “I’ll do better” conversations.  
  • In both of these situations, there may be drama, and others may choose sides and try to get involved, but your true friends will stand by you.  
  • Parents: we understand it is harder to cut a parent out of your life, especially if  you still live with them. First,  understand you have a right to be respected. It isn’t okay for parents to criticize, belittle, or embarrass you, just because you’re their child.  You also have a right to prioritize your own needs without being guilt-tripped. Once you understand this, start thinking of what boundaries to set. For example, tell them you want to be alone from 7-8 PM because that’s your time to do homework, or let them know your social life is not a topic you want to discuss. If you try to do this respectfully and they still invade your peace, we recommend using an exit strategy: be ready to walk out of the situation, whether means leaving the room or stepping out of the house for a while to meet with a supportive friend.    
  • Other family members: if you have an overly critical grandparent, or an aunt who’s inconsiderate of your feelings, try to avoid interactions. Unless it’s special occasions like holidays or birthdays, reduce contact with them to protect yourself. If a parent tries to push you to talk to them, explain why you don’t feel comfortable doing so. If you’re in the same room and they’re steering the conversation towards your personal life, deflect them (kindly) by saying something along the lines of “I don’t feel comfortable discussing this. Could we talk about something else?”. For more advice on dealing with extended family, especially during holidays, you can read this blog entry. 
  •  Seek support: talk to other friends and family about your situation, and if possible, reach out to a professional who can guide you through this complicated transition.   

     

    As we said earlier, it is normal to have rough patches with the people in our lives: sometimes we might argue, sometimes we might say something we don’t mean…but when these behaviors are the norm and not the exception, it’s time for you to reflect on whether this is a relationship that’s healthy or beneficial for you. Please remember that nothing positive comes from someone dismissing or belittling you, guilting you, or shaming you, then claim they’re doing it for your good. That person is trying to build themselves up by tearing you down, but no healthy relationship is ever built on communication patterns like that. 

     

    Need more help? 

    Here at The Bougainvilla House, we’ll provide you with safe and compassionate care as you take the necessary steps to navigate and leave these unhealthy relationships. To start your healing journey, call us at (954)-764-7337. 

     

Navigating Changing Family Dynamics as Your Teen Goes to College

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Picture of a family. Daughter is in front, holding box with her belongings. Mom's on the left, holding a pillow, and dad's on the left, holding a box.

You did it. You just dropped off your baby at college, and now you’re on what seems like the longest ride back home. Gone are the days of picking them up at school, making them dinner every night, ferrying them to activities, and seeing them around the house.  

So, now what? After 18 years, what are you supposed to do now that they’re off at college? 

The transition to college can be a challenging time for students and parents. While your teen is learning to navigate the world on their own, you’re re-learning how to lead a life that’s not heavily focused around them. It is only natural to feel a bit lost during these first few months. If you want some helpful tips on how to navigate family dynamics during the college transition, keep reading! 

How to Navigate Changing Family Dynamics as Your Teen Goes to College

It’s Okay to Miss Your Child 

It’s completely normal to miss your child and feel sad because they’re not at home with you, but these feelings will pass. Yes, you will always want to see them, but you’ll get used to their absence as time goes on. In the meantime, don’t feel embarrassed because you’re missing them. These feelings are totally okay. 

Set Aside Some Time to Call Them 

Even though going to college is supposed to help young adults to be more independent, that doesn’t mean you need

to cut off all contact with them. At the other extreme, don’t expect to hear from your child on a daily basis: they need space to build new relationships and routines. Talk with your child and figure out a good time to call or text them. This doesn’t have to be every day, but a couple of times during the week doesn’t hurt. 

Besides, they’re probably missing you too! They might not want to admit it, but once the initial wave of move-in excitement passes, many students struggle with homesickness in those first weeks and months of college. In fact, as many as 66% of first year students will feel homesick, so make sure you work out a ‘just right’ plan to keep everyone happy and in touch.  

Plan a Family Visit 

If you’re really missing your child, you can always plan a visit to see them. Did you know that most colleges have a “Parents’ Weekend”?  Find out when your child’s college will host theirs, and plan to go then to take advantage of any activities hosted by the school. It’ll be a great opportunity to see them in their new home! 

Find a New Outlet or Hobby to Distract Yourself 

You may be continuing to work or have taken a job to pay the bills.  That alone can be a big transition, along with 

your child’s move to college. But in your free time, you may find the best way to cope with this new reality is to immerse yourself in a hobby or activity. This can look like going to the gym, signing up for a class you’ve always wanted to take, or finding a new volunteer opportunity or activity you enjoy doing!

Think about it: as your children start heading off to college, you’ll start having more time on your hands to do things you want to do. Don’t feel guilty if you want to do something for yourself: it’s okay to focus on you as a person with your own interests.  

And this goes for both parents: if you see your spouse is also having a tough time, find a way to do something together that can take your mind off your teen. They’ll appreciate it.  

Find Other Parents in the Same Situation as You 

In times of change, it’s always good to have a community to support you! If you have any friends whose children are also in college, you will be a great support system for each other, as you get used to your new normal. If you don’t, no need to worry! You can go online and search for a parents’ group at your child’s college, where you can share your own feelings, and see how they’re coping too.  

When something goes wrong – and it will 

They get sick or injured. They fail a class. They have roommate issues. They run out of money. They may try and even have a bad experience with substances. They’re feeling anxious, lonely, or depressed. They aren’t sure the college or the program is right for them.

While you hope the first year of college will be smooth sailing, problems will crop up, and sometimes they aren’t easily resolved.  As parents, your job is to support your child, but be careful not to micromanage them, even though you may want to swoop down and fix the problem.   

Stay in touch and, as best you can, try to be a sounding board for your child as they work out solutions for themselves. It’s okay to offer suggestions and, if it is truly serious, to step in if you must, but wait until you know your child wants and needs more direct assistance. Be especially sensitive to mental and physical health issues and encourage your child to seek assistance early. 

And then they come home 

The first time or two that your student comes home, things feel different, for you and for them. Remember that they have gotten used to some independence, and that you all need to navigate this new normal. Our Home for the Holidays: A Survival Guide for College Students blog post explores some of the issues and feelings teens face when they come home for holidays and visits – it might be a useful read for you as parents as well!  

When your young adult goes off to college, it can be difficult at first. You will experience a lot of new emotions, and it can feel overwhelming, but understand this is the beginning of a new chapter in their life and in yours. Just because you won’t see your child every day doesn’t mean you need to stop caring for them; it means you’ll be taking on a slightly different role. You get to step back a little and let them take more control of their lives.  

Of course, if they ever need you, you’ll be there for them, but also trust yourself and know that you did everything you could to set them up for success.  

Need More Help? 

If you’re struggling with this time of transition, we can help. The Bougainvilla House offers parenting workshops to provide tools and strategies that may help you get used to this new chapter of your life.  

Call now to find support for you and your family: (954) 764-7337 

Celebrate and cheer – you have a college student in your life now! 

This February, Celebrate All the Relationships That Matter

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3 teen girls hugging

Welcome to February, the month associated with Cupids and hearts, candy and flowers – and romance. 

The history of Valentine’s Day is murky but is thought to originate with at least two martyred Christian saints named Valentine, and may have also been an effort to transform a Roman spring fertility rite into a Christian festival.  

Today, the holiday is heavily about romantic relationships – but it’s also a great opportunity to broaden this focus. Why not use this month to celebrate love in all its forms, and strengthen all your connections with friends, family, and community? 

It’s also a good opportunity to ask yourself which relationships have occupied most of your time and focus, and which ones need and deserve some extra attention. 

Relationships of all kinds are essential to our shared human experience. Some relationships are forever, while others come into our lives just for a season – but all of them play an important and sometimes overlooked role in mental well-being.  

Better Health Channel lists three kinds of connections we typically experience with others:  

  1. Intimate connections – with people who love and care about you, such as family and friends. 
  2. Relational connections – with people who you see regularly and who share an interest or activity with you, such as work colleagues, classmates, or a sports league in which you or your children participate.  
  3. Collective connections – with people who share a group membership or an affiliation with you, such as people who vote like you do, or who share the same faith.  

These social connections bolster our sense of belonging and enjoyment of life. Without question, healthy interactions of all kinds also have a positive impact on your mental health. Your most intimate connections, like your relationship with your family, deserve your best ongoing efforts to strengthen (and if you need help, that’s what TBH is here for).  

As adults, we know (and must teach our children) that good relationships of all kinds reward us with a sense of trust, connection, and satisfaction, and can lead to exciting new opportunities and experiences. All our relationships become part of who we are and help prepare us for the next chapter of our lives. They deserve the time and effort it takes to build and maintain them. 

Healthy social connections support our emotional and physical wellbeing by lowering anxiety and depression. Studies have also shown that those who enjoy positive relationships typically have higher self-esteem, greater empathy for others, and are more trusting and cooperative.   

We’ve all experienced what can happen when relationships go south – whether just two people or an entire group is involved. For relationships to work, everyone must be committed. It’s not always easy – some relationships take longer to build than others. 

How to nurture your relationships Two girls making mustaches from their hairs

Maybe you’ve moved to a new job or community, and you’d like to build new connections. Maybe you’d like to strengthen relationships that you already have. Here are five ideas to help you reach out in a meaningful way to the people in your world.

  1. Take time for the people who are important to you – It seems obvious, right? It’s amazing how taking a few minutes out of your day to check in or show someone that they’re a priority can make a difference and sustain connection – for instance, when you’re at work and your children are at school. Keep a positive, kind, and honest tone, share a moment together, and let them know you’re thinking of them.  
  2. Stay positive – Bring a calm, positive attitude to your encounters and your relationships. Look on the bright side of things, let your personality shine, and take little moments to have fun. You’ll soon see how people gravitate to someone who can make them smile.
  3. Appreciate others– Being appreciated can mean the world to someone. If you notice someone going out of their way to help you, thank them. If your co-worker did a great job, congratulate them. If your child steps in to help when you’re run off your feet, show them you noticed. Recognize the contributions of others, however small. Showing appreciation for someone’s kindness, helpfulness, or hard work makes a big difference to any relationship, whether team or individual.  
  4. It’s the little things that matter – Small words or acts of kindness really matter! Try texting an old friend to ask how they’re doing, pick up your partner’s favorite snack when they’re feeling down, or share a smile or a compliment with a stranger. You never know how much these actions can impact someone’s day.  
  5. Be available emotionally – When you know someone is going through a tough time, be there for them. You may not want to intrude during a difficult time, but it never hurts to let them know you are aware, and that you care. You can simply say, “Hi, I hope you’re okay. If you need someone to talk to just know I’m here to listen whenever you’re ready.”

These days, we conduct many of our interactions and relationships online as well as in person. It’s worth remembering that the same relationship-building principles apply, and in fact, are even more important — showing authentic interest, a positive attitude, and a willingness to listen and engage.  

As humans and social beings, the need to connect with others is part of our DNA. As a community and as parents, it’s on us to model and to teach our children the skills and sensitivity to communicate positively, to give as well as receive, and to see and sense how others react to us. Positive connection-building starts with each of us. So, take some time this month to ask yourself: How am I nurturing my relationships?  

Need More Help?  

Learning to build and maintain positive connections is challenging enough for young people, even more so if they suffer from mental health issues. A good first step is to look for a safe person and space in which to talk. The Bougainvilla House is here for you, with an understanding and welcoming environment for you and your family. Take that critical first step and ask for help if you or someone you love needs to overcome anxiety and depression or work on skills that help build strong, lasting relationships.  

The Bougainvilla House also offers Parenting Workshops to give you the tools that will support healthy families and nurture future generations as they grow.

Call now to find support that works for you and your family: (954) 764-7337. 

2022 Family Resolutions for More (or Better) Quality Time Together

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2022 is here and the “New Year, New Me” sayings are hitting social media feeds. The New Year is a reset, bringing fresh energy and motivation to do better, to try new things, and to leave unwanted habits in the past.  

No surprise, the most common New Year’s resolutions involve losing weight and getting in shape — gym membership directors love it. Saving money ranks high as well. If you’ve set goals in these areas, congratulations and go you!  

We at The Bougainvilla House are also big fans of New Year’s resolutions related to strong family relationships and mental well-being.  If you’ve been thinking about these areas of your life, consider how you can make this your focus as well! 

Parents spend a lot of time with family all year, but so much of it inevitably involves the logistics of life – meals, running errands, taxi service to practices and lessons, cleaning — not to mention work and school demands. It’s all too easy for the days to fly by despite best efforts to focus on sustaining strong, dynamic, and healthy family relationships.  

The new year offers an exciting opportunity to refocus. Here are a few ideas and suggestions for setting, enjoying, and keeping family resolutions! 

How to set family New Year resolutions  

Every family has different values and beliefs about what matters to them, so come up with resolutions that work for you. The new year is a great opportunity to sit down together and talk about what you want to accomplish, both as individuals and as a family. This also sets you up to work together to keep those resolutions all year long.  

Your goals can be big and small-scale, serious and fun, creative or mundane – and above all, unique —just like your family.  

Family Resolutions that work for everyone.  

Not sure where to start? Here are a few ideas that may be good starting points for families looking to improve their quality time together.  

1. Less screen time– You may already be doing this, but if you aren’t monitoring your family’s screen time (including your own), now is a good time to start.

Technology is the ultimate easy children’s entertainment and Facebook does an excellent job at keeping you on the app, but it’s stealing your kids’ time and your own. On average, an 8- to 12-year-old in the United States now use screens for entertainment for 4 hours, 44 minutes a day, and 13- to 18-year-olds are on screens for 7 hours, 22 minutes each day, as reported in 2018 by the nonprofit organization Common Sense Media. When you add it up, that’s a lot of hours your family could spend together without screens!

 If you find this resolution too challenging for your kids, try setting their devices to a max screen time per day. This way, the device will automatically enforce your agreed-upon screen-time limits. Set an example yourself too! You’ll be surprised at the amount of free time you have. Learn how to set limited screen time here. 

2. Family exercise – If your goal is to exercise more often, take advantage of our beautiful Florida winters to plan walks or bike rides on a trail or around the neighborhood. Plan a day and time to go (and maybe a Plan B) to help you set and maintain a routine.

If you don’t have a lot of time, start small. Even a 10 – 20-minute walk is more than enough to get started. Remember that it can take anywhere from 18 to 254 days for a person to form a new habit and an average of 66 days for a new behavior to become automatic. Don’t be intimidated by these numbers –habits take time. It’s worth it!

3. Schedule family activities – Family time is important, so schedule it just like soccer practice, piano lessons, and date nights with your partner.

Family time can be anything you all want it to be — playing board games, visiting a park, watching a movie, cooking together, or taking a weekend getaway. There are so many ways your family can bond and make memories that will last your lifetime and your children’s. Have fun thinking about the kinds of things you love to do together!

4. One on One time – As much as family time is important, so is one-on-one time with each of your family members. Regular ‘dates’ with each child become fun, much-anticipated events and great opportunities to connect with each child. Plan a lunch at their favorite restaurant, go bowling, or just enjoy an ice cream date. If they like playing video games, join them in the game. 

As you enjoy time together, it’s also a great chance to check in with your child and to just enjoy them as they grow.  

We hope these ideas spark more than a few of your own – but don’t overdo it!  Start off with one or two and add more later in the year once you’ve made progress on the ones you consider to be most important.  

It’s okay to take a break!  

We understand that new habits are challenging to maintain. If you’re feeling discouraged, or if things pop up at the last minute (and they will), don’t stress. It’s okay to take a break. The point is to set goals as a family, keep trying to meet them, and enjoy the journey together along the way!  

Need More Help? 

If you or your family are struggling with mental health issues, look for a safe person and space in which to talk. The Bougainvilla House is here for you, with an understanding and welcoming environment for you and your family. Take that critical first step and ask for help to overcome anxiety and depression and reconnect to the life you want to live (or that you want for someone you love). 

Call now to find support that works for you and your family: (954) 764-7337. 

Feeling the Holiday Blues? Six ways to tackle seasonal depression

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If you just ‘aren’t feeling the spirit’ this holiday season, we understand and offer our support.  

Maybe you usually enjoy what’s supposed to be ‘the most wonderful time of the year.’ But this year, it’s bringing on feelings of stress, sadness, and loneliness.  

Music, movies, TV, social media, and advertising reinforce the sense that everyone should be feeling their merriest and brightest selves. You might be wondering what on earth is wrong with you.  

Whether you celebrate Christmas, Hanukkah, another festival, or none at all, the holiday blues (seasonal depression) can strike anyone for any number of reasons. 

It’s especially difficult if this is your first holiday experience without a loved one. It can be a lonely time, especially for those who don’t have anyone to celebrate the season with them.  

Or maybe the season becomes an overwhelming, exhausting marathon for you, with extra-heavy demands to bake and cook, shop, wrap gifts, decorate, clean, and entertain. The holidays feel like an endless list of chores instead of fun and pleasurable time spent with loved ones.  

Perhaps the pandemic’s continuing presence – and some lingering social introversion from lockdown days – might be making you feel pressured and nervous about traveling or getting together to celebrate. Is it really safe? 

If you’re already struggling with mental illness, the holidays can affect it even more. Know that you are not alone. According to the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), 64% of people with mental illness report holidays make their conditions worse.  

What are the holiday blues?  

NAMI describes the holiday blues as “temporary anxiety or depression during the months of November and December that can associate with extra stress, unrealistic expectations, or even memories that accompany the season.” Even though these feelings are temporary, it’s important to be mindful of their impact on your mental health.  

Understanding your feelings and making a plan to manage your mental health can help you get through this time. If you recognize any of these emotions, here are six ideas to help manage them.  

How to tackle the holiday blues? 

  1. Stick to your routine – You may be dealing with disruptors like travel, social activities, or a long to-do list, so it’s important to preserve you-time. Stick to your normal routine as much as possible – don’t sacrifice all your personal time for holiday chores and activities. Take time to enjoy your favorite morning coffee.  Continue your usual exercise routine. Give priority to your daily self-care ritual, whatever it may be.
  2. Don’t isolate yourself –  Feelings of sadness can sometimes lead us to hide at home, but social isolation can make us feel worse. If you’re not going to be with friends or family for the holidays, it’s harder to feel connected. When you’re feeling alone, seek support from a close friend, a family member, or a community in which you’re involved. Schedule a video call with a family member, talk about your feelings, and tell them how much you appreciate them. Spend a day with a caring friend. You might find it helps to volunteer for a local community event. Talking about your feelings, connecting with others, and avoiding too much isolation will hopefully help to steady and manage your emotions during the season. On the other hand, if you’re a more introverted personality, you might actually need to schedule and protect some alone time, if the presence of additional guests and family is draining your emotional batteries. If you need that time, speak up and take it. Go for a walk, chill out with a book or music, and ask everyone to respect your need for some solo recharging time.
  3. Make a to-do list and keep it simple – And check it twice! Planning and delegation are key. Mark your calendar with all your holiday events. Plan dates for advance cooking, decorating, shopping, and package mailing. If you’re traveling, pack and plan ahead for unexpected issues and delays. Are you hosting a social event? Make sure all your guests know when to arrive, where to park, and what to bring. Set up your space the day before and delegate preparations to family and friends. Above all, try to keep things simple and manageable. Be realistic about what you can get done in the time you have, and remember that the most important things are to look after yourself and to enjoy time with the people around you. 
  4. Set a budget – Money can be a huge source of stress during the holidays, so before you start shopping, set a budget. Try not to overextend yourself financially. Figure out how much money you can afford to spend on gifts and food shopping. Write down the people you want to gift, set individual budgets, and stick to it. You can also find less costly alternatives like making homemade gifts but be sure to set aside enough time to make them. Here are more ideas on alternative gifts.
  5. Set reasonable expectations – High or unrealistic expectations can cause unnecessary pressure and tension. Focus on this year’s holiday season and try not to compare it to memories of other years. It doesn’t have to be perfect or elaborate or even the same. Remember that traditions can change, so think about ways you can make the holidays work for you and your family in your present circumstances.
  6. Honor memories – If you are mourning the loss of someone you loved – and there are many kinds of loss – be gentle with yourself. You may feel painful waves of grief during the holidays, when everything reminds you of a missing loved one. Depending on the nature of your loss, think about what might trigger the sadness, and what might help manage it. Talk to friends and family and enlist their support to plan a holiday season that recognizes your need to continue grieving as part of the healing process. 

This season, too many people are mourning the deaths of loved friends and family members from Covid and many other causes. If you are among them, it may help to think about special ways to honor your loved one. It can be as small as lighting a candle every night, sharing memories, or making your loved one’s favorite food. Honoring the person you lost can serve as a physical reminder that although they are gone, the good memories and the love remain. Find more ways to deal with grief here. 

Need More Help?  

If your holiday blues are overwhelming you, look for a safe person and space in which to talk. The Bougainvilla House is here for you, with an understanding and welcoming environment for you and your family. Take that critical first step and ask for help to overcome anxiety and depression, and reconnect to the life you want to live, or want for someone you love. Call now to find support that works for you and your family: (954) 764-7337. In addition, these resources (https://www.nami.org/help ) are also available for you. Please reach out if you or someone in your life needs help.  

Source:  

https://www.nami.org/blogs/nami-blog/november-2015/tips-for-managing-the-holiday-blues 

The Real Meaning of Self-Care

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Hotels advertise spa days. The beauty industry promotes a face mask. Airlines promote relaxing “getaways.” New apps seem to pop up every day.  

Self-care has become a trending topic over the last few years, and many products and services are promoted as helpful (even essential) to good self-care. Amid all this advertising, it can be easy to forget the real meaning behind the idea.  

Self-care is the practice of restorative activities that protect your own well-being and happiness, particularly in times of stress. It is all about how you care for your own physical and mental wellness. 

Research suggests self-care promotes positive health outcomes such as fostering resilience, living longer, and becoming better equipped to manage stress – one of the biggest threats to our physical and mental well-being. 

Stress can be caused by our thoughts, our choices, and even what we put in our body. An excess of sugar, alcohol, caffeine, and processed foods can all contribute to stress or make it more difficult to manage. Stress affects our energy levels as well as our emotional health, so it is essential that our self-care practices help us manage and reduce it. 

4 Restorative Self-Care Activities for Every Day  

Practice these activities daily for help restoring your energy, improving your decision making, and deepening your relationship with yourself and others:  

1. Take a moment of silence – In times of stress, your internal voice may be loud, critiquing your performance and reminding you of the tasks that must be done. Quiet your inner voice by taking a moment of silence or practicing meditation. Find a comfortable spot in your house where you are not likely to be disturbed. Then, for at least five minutes, breathe deeply and try to calm your mind, focusing on your breath or consciously relaxing different parts of your body. Meditative activities like this can put your mind at ease and allow your negative inner voice to slowly disappear. 

2.Maintain a Healthy Diet – It is important to understand how food choices affect your mind as well as your body. A diet of healthy food will reduce your mood fluctuations, giving you an overall happier outlook and an improved ability to focus, says Dr. Cora, a board-certified psychiatrist. Try to reduce how often you eat highly processed foods, and instead fill your stomach with mostly fruits, vegetables, and complex carbs such as sweet potatoes, brown rice, and quinoa.

3.Move – Our bodies are meant to move! Walking, running, jumping, working out, dancing, and any other form of exercise are all activities that produce endorphins. These “feel-good” chemicals help us cope with pain and stress and can be a happiness booster. You don’t need a gym to help you exercise. An area in your house – or an open area outdoors — is all you need to get moving. Your body and your stress levels can benefit from as little as 10 minutes of exercise every day. 

4.Go Outside – Registered psychologist Dr. Lynne M. Kostiuk reminds us that humans have a deeply ingrained need to feel connected to the natural world. Unfortunately, our tendency to spend long hours inside and in front of the computer can make anyone feel disconnected from nature. Studies have shown that being outdoors has the power to lift your mood and lower anxiety. So, next time you find yourself with a free afternoon…go outside! A walk around the neighborhood, visiting a park, or going to the beach are just a few possible activities. 

Self-Care Inspiration to Help You Stay Motivated 

The more you practice self-care, the better it will be for your health. Just a few minutes in a day can change your outlook on life.  

If you need a little extra inspiration to start (or continue) good self-care habits, here are some YouTubers, books, and documentaries to help you.  

YouTubers  

  1. muchelleB – Michelle is an Australian YouTuber. Her videos are guidelines to self-development, self-care, goal setting, and intentional living. She will motivate you to create routines and habits and stick to them
  2. Hey Fran Hey – Francheska is a wellness influencer, YouTuber, and podcaster who shares tips on DIY beauty, natural hair care, mental and emotional hygiene, nutrition, and fitness; all with a bohemian twist. 
  3. Lavendaire- Aileen Xu advocates personal growth and development for creatives, dreamers, and artists alike. Her videos focus on goal setting, vision boards, decluttering challenges, and financial planning advice. 

Books 

  1. Breath by James Nestor: What you eat, how much you exercise, how skinny or young or wise you are — none of it matters as much if you’re not breathing properly. Drawing on thousands of years of medical texts and recent cutting-edge studies, Breath turns the conventional wisdom of what we thought we knew about our most basic biological function on its head. You will never breathe the same again.
  2. Silence by Erling Kagge – In 1993, Norwegian explorer Erling Kagge took a solo trip across Antarctica for fifty days. He was the first person to ever reach the South Pole alone, with only a battery-less radio for company. The long journey was life changing for Kagge, and in this book, he shares his experiences and findings while exploring the true meaning of solitude. He shows us why silence is essential to our health and overall happiness, and how it has the power to change the way we view the world.

Netflix Documentaries 

  1. Fed Up – “Fed Up” shows the damaging effects of sugar and how important it is to reduce or eliminate it for the overall betterment of your health. It will inspire you to look closer into what goes into the foods you eat and make positive changes to your health.
  2. Hungry For Change – “Hungry For Change” shines a light on the damage that comes from following a modern processed diet and the amazing changes that come when you reintroduce your body to real, whole foods.
  3. Happy – This documentary looks at what really makes people happy. From people who live in slums to the swamps of Louisiana you will learn how our society’s definition of “happiness” might be giving us a skewed idea of what really leads to true joy.  

Need More Help?  

If stress is becoming more prominent in your life and you need additional support, The Bougainvilla House can help. The Bougainvilla House offers free weekly webinars on topics like de-stressing, managing anxiety, and more. Sign up for our next webinar here: https://thebougainvillahouse.org/event-gallery/webinars/    

Making and Keeping New Year’s Resolutions

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The New Year’s resolution: love it or hate it, it’s a time-honored way to start fresh with new goals for a new year. However, we all know how difficult it can be to stick to those resolutions by the time February rolls around. It is no easier for your child than it is for you.

Age-appropriate New Year’s Resolutions

Should your child set New Year’s resolutions?  Yes, but they need to be achievable and age-appropriate. The American Association of Pediatrics recommends that preschoolers focus on specific ‘helping’ goals like picking up toys each day; ‘health’ goals like washing hands, or ‘social’ goals such as sharing toys with friends.

The AAP says children ages 5-12 can understand and tackle specific goals, from improving health and study habits, to speaking up if they see or experience bullying. Teens 13 and up can set goals that encourage them to take responsibility for their choices and actions, e.g. volunteering more, self-care, family responsibilities, academics, and use of leisure time.

Take Time To Reflect

Start by having a reflective, open discussion with your child about the previous year. What did they enjoy? What gave them a sense of accomplishment? What attitudes, actions or habits would they like to improve – or leave behind? Is there anything that they didn’t get the chance to explore? Talk about areas where you, as parent, feel some goal-setting would help, and encourage these to become your child’s goals as well as yours.

Listen and work with your child to choose just a few important resolutions.  Then give your child the best chance to succeed by framing SMART (specific, measurable, attainable, results-oriented, time-bound) goals. Make sure they understand what these goals will require of them, and that you’ll be there to encourage them every step of the way.

Which New Year’s Resolutions Are On Your Child’s List?

Resolutions are as unique as your child. He or she may want to focus on any of the following areas – or they may have completely different ideas about what matters!

Make Friends

If your child’s ultimate goal is to make friends, help them to set smaller goals such as ‘talking to two new people a month’ or ‘planning one Zoom hangout a month’.

Earn Better Grades

If your child has been struggling with schoolwork, help them set specific goals, such as earning one letter grade better on tests. From there, create a game plan, such as studying for an hour per day for a week leading up to each test. As well, your child’s teacher might have insights that will help your child succeed in his or her academic goals.

Eat Healthier

NYE Resolutions

Healthy eating goals are well worth pursuing, with benefits that include controlling weight, preventing disease, improving mood, and more. If your child wants to eat healthier, help them set SMART goals; e.g. eating one cup of vegetables three times a week for a month. This diet change helps your child shift toward healthier eating practices, but sets a time limit for trying it out. At the end of the month, evaluate this approach with your child, and decide how to continue. Bon appetit!

Read More

If you and your child set a goal to read more in the coming year, think about quantifying it (for example, ‘read 12 books in 2021’) and plan to make a monthly trip to the library or bookstore. Remember to consult your librarians or bookstore staff for enticing titles that appeal to your child’s reading preferences and level.

Save Money

If your child has a job or an allowance, it’s never too early to start teaching them the value of saving a little for the future. The general rule of thumb is to save 20% of a paycheck: this might be achievable for your child if they don’t need to help with other expenses. Another approach might involve saving a certain amount of money by year’s end. Those first big purchases like cell phones, cars and college aren’t far away, so teaching your child the patience to save now will pay off all their lives.

Tips for sticking to New Year’s Resolutions

Do it together (if possible). Consider making family resolutions. If your child’s goal is something that would benefit everyone, like exercising, reading more, or eating more healthy foods, make it a family goal. Not only is it a great bonding opportunity, you’re increasing your child’s chances of successstick to your NYE resolutions and doing something that’s good for all of you. Some families might enjoy setting up a competition, but keep it healthy and never force anyone to compete if they don’t enjoy it.

Be flexible. Even with specific milestones to achieve, life can get in the way. If your child doesn’t meet his or her monthly goal, don’t make an issue of it. Do encourage them to keep right on trying. If you’re too strict or show too much disappointment, your child may not want to continue, so keep it positive and focused on ‘next time’.

Don’t nag them. Of course you want your child to succeed and to know the satisfaction that comes from achieving their goals. However, putting the work in to meet that goal is ultimately up to your child. No amount of pestering will make them achieve it faster and in fact, too much pressure will make them resent the process.

Be ready to adapt. Be comforting, empathetic and supportive, both when they succeed and especially when they don’t. If your child is having trouble making progress, think about whether the goal should change. You’ll only know by checking in with your child. If motivation is the issue, think about little incentives that could encourage them: e.g. for each book read, they get to pick the dinner menu. Be creative and always communicate with your child.

If you and your child need a break, visit our Take a Break page or sign up for one of our fun and free Wellness Wednesday Webinars.  Good luck!

Why your child could be suffering holiday stress

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The holidays can be an especially anxious time for anyone. If you’re noticing more tension than usual, your child may be experiencing similar feelings. Your child might seem a bit withdrawn or irritable, may sleep more than usual, or is exhibiting other signs of stress. Some stress is okay, but when these feelings start to overwhelm your child, it’s time to intervene.

Reasons for holiday stress and anxiety

 

fewer daylight hours and changes in routine

The ‘holiday blues’ are real, and have many underlying causes:

  • Fewer daylight hours. The decreased number of daylight hours can have a significant effect on mental health, including your child’s. Even in the Sunshine State, many begin to feel the effects of seasonal depression during these shorter winter days.
  • Changes in routine. When your child is off from school for winter break, the whole routine changes. Even if they don’t recognize it, your child could be affected when the familiar daily structure of school, bedtime, and mealtimes becomes less rigid.

Tips to help your child with holiday-related stress and anxiety

 

Even if your child isn’t showing any particular signs of holiday stress, these tips are great for fostering a healthy and strong family connection.

  1. Take care of yourself. Kids are attentive, and they pick up on family ‘vibes’ more than you might think. If you are in a bad mood, it can affect their mood as well. When you are stressed and anxious, it can increase their levels of anxiety as well and make them more irritable. Although the holidays can be a busy time, make sure you set aside time to take care of yourself and unwind. Your body and mind will thank you for it and so will your children. You can start by exploring these ideas for taking a break.
  2. Stay active. Staying active as a family can be difficult, but keeping up with physical activities is crucial for a happy family and healthy children – and parents! If your child plays a sport, winter break might be their off season, but that doesn’t mean that all physical activity should stop. Physical activities aren’t just limited to sports, either. Here are some ways to help your child and your family stay active:
    1. Start a dance party in your living room with a fun dance cardio routine
    2. Start a small garden and celebrate that we can do that in Florida in December!
    3. Do some family-friendly yoga
    4. Create a scavenger hunt
    5. Here’s a list of even more fun activities 
  3. Eat well. Eating well is another crucial part of living a healthy lifestyle, but it can be difficult and sometimes inconvenient for busy families. It’s also difficult during the holiday season when many want to simply indulge. Along with their holiday treats, make sure your children are getting the proper nutrition they need daily. Involve your children in menu planning, shopping, and cooking!
  4. Meditate. Meditation can be intimidating at first, but can be extremely beneficial to anyone experiencing high levels of stress and take time to relaxanxiety. A guided body scan meditation can be a great introduction to meditating because the purpose is to check in with yourself and your feelings. Try this body scan meditation as a way to relax for yourself, or for your family to unwind together.
  5. Foster open communication. Talk to your children about your holiday traditions and be open to their answers. If they don’t like a certain tradition, talk about ways to change it and make it more special for your family. If family dynamics have changed (such as a divorce, new partner, or a death in the family), talk about that too. Let your child know that it’s okay (and encouraged!) for them to come to you and to be open with their feelings.
  6. Give your child control. During winter break and without a set routine, life can feel a bit unsettling. Talk to your child about what they want the winter break routine to look like. Having a discussion with them about their new schedule will give them a sense of autonomy and ownership over their own lives.
  7. Manage gift expectations. Gift-giving comes with its own stress, both for you and your child. If you know your child wants something out of your price range, be honest with them ahead of time. If your child believes the gift will come from Santa, be ready to deal with those expectations as well.
  8. Get crafty. Being creative is a lot of fun and a great family bonding activity. Have your kids choose and help with a new recipe, make some cookies that they can decorate, or create some fun holiday decorations and gifts. The possibilities are endless and anything that gets the creative juices flowing is a great stress reliever.
  9. Enjoy holiday stories, movies, and music. Even though some favorite community and school events have been canceled due to the pandemic, there are still many wonderful events happening online and through the creative programming of libraries and museums. Enjoy!

Don’t let the holidays get you and your family down.

If you need help talking to your child about changing family dynamics or just want to learn more about parenting, browse our parenting workshops or call us to schedule an appointment.

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