No relationship is perfect. Even if you get along just fine with your friends, relatives, and partner, there will always be ups and downs. However, you probably know of some relationships that seem negative and unbalanced in the way one individual treats the other. Maybe you’ve experienced something like this yourself, where instead of lifting you up, someone you know goes out of their way to bring you down.
Maybe a friend always makes backhanded compliments, or maybe a parent continually blames you for things out of your control. Maybe a romantic partner constantly criticizes or belittles your opinions, choices, or appearance.
These types of behaviors are more than annoying personality quirks: they’re red flags that you’re in a toxic relationship.
What is a “toxic relationship”?
Charlie Health defines a toxic relationship as “any relationship that is damaging to your mental health, self-esteem, and overall well-being,” and it can apply to friends, family, romantic partners, or other people you know.
Are toxic relationships the same as abusive relationships?
No. All abusive relationships are toxic relationships, but not all toxic relationships are abusive. A toxic relationship is characterized by a lack of respect and boundaries. Sometimes these behaviors might be unintentional, if the person truly doesn’t realize what they’re doing and how it’s making you feel.
However, if they don’t change their behavior after you let them know how it’s affecting you, and if they continue to try to belittle, harm, or control you, then you might be looking at an abusive relationship.
Sometimes the problem is too difficult to handle yourself. If you need more specialized help, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you. Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.
What are some signs of toxic behavior?
Although toxic relationships can manifest in multiple ways, here are some of the main tell-tale signs that you’re in an unhealthy situation.
- They guilt you. A lot. Whenever you can’t or aren’t interested in doing something they want to do, the person immediately starts saying things intended to make you feel ungrateful, uncooperative, inconsiderate, or a bad person in general.
- You always feel like you’re walking on eggshells: if you always find yourself having to be careful about what you say and how you say it because this person often reacts badly, it’s a sign that you’re not in a healthy situation. Relationships should be a safe and open space, not a reason for anxiety, and you shouldn’t have to be guarded about every little thing you say.
- They make you feel bad about yourself: does your friend constantly make you feel embarrassed about the outfits you wear? Does a parent make you feel like you’re not smart enough (“Only a B+?”) or compare you unfavorably to your sibling? Although the comments themselves may only be small digs, they add up over time, they sting, and they create an unhealthy dynamic that erodes your self-esteem.
- Your needs are unimportant: you often feel like you’re doing all you can to meet the other person’s wants and needs, but you don’t see the same in return. In fact, when you bring up how you feel or what you want to see from them, you’re often ignored or dismissed. It can be something small like wanting an occasional compliment from your partner or asking your friend to sometimes consider your wishes when deciding on social plans.
- You don’t feel like yourself anymore: you spend so much time doing what the other person wants in order to please them that you stop thinking about what you want. Lately, it seems like you only go to the places they like, with the people they like, and do things they like. When you try to switch it up to something you want to do, they get frustrated or angry and either refuse, or go unwillingly and then make you, themselves, and everyone around them miserable.
How can I navigate a toxic relationship?
- Recognize the need for change: acknowledge that this relationship is currently not healthy, and that you deserve to see a change.
- Communicate and set clear boundaries: talk to the other person and express how you’re feeling. Let them know what you expect from them in the future, and clearly define what’s unacceptable for you.
- Cut off contact, if necessary and possible: So you’ve talked to the person, but nothing has changed. Maybe it’s time to consider cutting off this relationship, if it’s possible. Here are more specific tips for different relationships:
- Friendships: You can either have a candid conversation with your friend, stating your feelings and your desire to end the relationship, or you can gradually cut contact, including on social media. It’ll depend on what you feel is best for the situation.
- Romantic relationship: if it’s safe to do so, and if you feel ready to follow through, have the same kind of tough conversation and plainly state your desire to end the relationship. If you can, make a clean break and don’t let yourself be drawn into “can we talk about it” or “let’s make this work” or “I’ll do better” conversations.
- In both of these situations, there may be drama, and others may choose sides and try to get involved, but your true friends will stand by you.
- If you think it’s too risky to be direct with your romantic partner, contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline for more information and resources.
- Parents: we understand it is harder to cut a parent out of your life, especially if you still live with them. First, understand you have a right to be respected. It isn’t okay for parents to criticize, belittle, or embarrass you, just because you’re their child. You also have a right to prioritize your own needs without being guilt-tripped. Once you understand this, start thinking of what boundaries to set. For example, tell them you want to be alone from 7-8 PM because that’s your time to do homework, or let them know your social life is not a topic you want to discuss. If you try to do this respectfully and they still invade your peace, we recommend using an exit strategy: be ready to walk out of the situation, whether means leaving the room or stepping out of the house for a while to meet with a supportive friend.
- Other family members: if you have an overly critical grandparent, or an aunt who’s inconsiderate of your feelings, try to avoid interactions. Unless it’s special occasions like holidays or birthdays, reduce contact with them to protect yourself. If a parent tries to push you to talk to them, explain why you don’t feel comfortable doing so. If you’re in the same room and they’re steering the conversation towards your personal life, deflect them (kindly) by saying something along the lines of “I don’t feel comfortable discussing this. Could we talk about something else?”. For more advice on dealing with extended family, especially during holidays, you can read this blog entry.
- Seek support: talk to other friends and family about your situation, and if possible, reach out to a professional who can guide you through this complicated transition.
As we said earlier, it is normal to have rough patches with the people in our lives: sometimes we might argue, sometimes we might say something we don’t mean…but when these behaviors are the norm and not the exception, it’s time for you to reflect on whether this is a relationship that’s healthy or beneficial for you. Please remember that nothing positive comes from someone dismissing or belittling you, guilting you, or shaming you, then claim they’re doing it for your good. That person is trying to build themselves up by tearing you down, but no healthy relationship is ever built on communication patterns like that.
Need more help?
Here at The Bougainvilla House, we’ll provide you with safe and compassionate care as you take the necessary steps to navigate and leave these unhealthy relationships. To start your healing journey, call us at (954)-764-7337.