When a loved one is seriously ill: Helping your family cope

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You know life comes with challenges and surprises, but nothing could have prepared you for that diagnosis. Whether it’s your parent, child, sibling, or  partner, a tough health condition can dramatically change their life, yours, and your family’s. 

Serious and debilitating chronic conditions like kidney disease or life-threatening diagnoses like cancer or ALS place emotional and physical burdens on both the patient and those who support them. 

Navigating this new chapter of life can profoundly affect everyone in the family, which is why we want to offer some advice and resources to help all of you navigate this unsettling new chapter. 

How to Tell Your Children 

Processing the  news yourself is hard enough, but now you have to share it with your children. It’s natural to worry about how they will take the news, especially if it’s a deeply loved parent, grandparent or other relative. We hope this guidance will help you support them as well as the person facing the diagnosis. 

Find the right time. 

Before you tell your children, make sure you’ve processed the news yourself, so that you can remain composed and able to comfort them and answer their questions. Look for a good opportunity when both you and your children have undistracted time to talk.  If you have multiple children of different ages, you may wish to talk to them separately, if possible, while still ensuring you are the one to break the news. This might make it easier  to tailor your message, accounting for the different ages and maturity levels. 

Use language they will understand. 

With younger children, share a brief and simple explanation of what they can expect. Name the disease and tell them what physical signs they can expect (e.g. losing hair because of chemo). Reassure them that neither you nor they will get sick as well. Most importantly, explain how this disease is different from a more common illness like the flu. 

With an older child or teen, you may want to go more in-depth, giving more specifics on their loved one’s treatment and prognosis.  

Prepare them for possible changes to everyday life. 

 Let your child(ren) know you might have to spend more time at the hospital or driving their loved ones to appointments, that it might mean schedule changes, and that it’s part of making sure your family member gets the medical care they need.  This is also a good opportunity to let your child(ren) know you’ll still be there for them, but you’ll be a bit busier. 

Encourage children and teens to comfortably spend time with their sick loved one. 

Your children and teens may want to spend more time with their loved one, who may also want to remain part of their lives and not isolated from the family.  Encourage them to find ways to bond and spend time together, whether it’s building a Lego project, doing a puzzle, playing games, watching movies together, or any activity they enjoy and that the ill loved one can handle.  

Let your children know they don’t need to put their life on hold for their relative’s diagnosis. 

Upon hearing the news, some children and teens might feel pressure to change their lives and spend more time with their sick loved ones. While it’s normal for them to want to spend more time with their relative, assure them that they can and should live their own lives too. 

Just because Grandma is undergoing treatment doesn’t mean your teen has to quit the swim team or their part time job or give up hanging out with friends. It’s healthy for them to continue to live a normal child’s or teen’s life, with age-appropriate concerns, activities, desires, and aspirations. 

How Families Can Cope 

Whether you’re shouldering most of the responsibility, or are indirectly affected, we know a serious diagnosis can shake the entire family. Here are some ways you can all take care of each other:  

  • Talk about your feelings: Talk to someone you trust about what you’re going through and what you’re feeling, and don’t bottle it up. Encourage your children to do the same, and check in up regularly toon see how they’re feeling. 
  • Lean on each other for support: You’re not alone in this journey;  your family and friends are there for you. Whether it’s talking to a sibling, asking a friend to drive your child to practice, or spending more time with your children, find a way you all feel supported and cared for. 
  • Be understanding: With the additional stress, know that everyone’s feelings (including yours) might be running high. If your children act out or are a little crabby or emotional, try to be understanding. Be consistent with consequences but also take time to understand how they’re really feeling. This is also a good chance for you to open up and share your own feelings with them in an age-appropriate way.  
  • Take care of yourself: Even if you’re short on time, don’t neglect basic needs like eating healthy food, drinking water, sleeping, showering, and getting some form of exercise. As simple as these may sound, taking care of yourself is essential. If you  have some extra time, do something you enjoy, whether on your own or with your family.  
  • Find additional support (e.g. therapy or support groups): If the situation has become overwhelming, it might be best to look for more support. Seeing a therapist and/or joining a support group can be important first steps to take. You may also want to consider a meal delivery service, housekeeping help, or an additional caretaker for your children, if your schedule has become too full with your new responsibilities. 

Conclusion 

We understand that when a family member receives a serious health diagnosis, it can change your family dynamics overnight, but you don’t have to do this alone. Lean on each other and on your friends, and you’ll get through these tough times. 

And if you feel like a child or teen in your family needs more support, we’re here to help them with compassionate counseling and appropriate coping mechanisms. Give us a call at (954)-764-7337 —  The Bougainvilla House is here for them and for you. 

 

Sources used: 

https://www.loyola.edu/department/counseling-center/services/students/concerns/illness-loved-one.html 

https://www.dpcedcenter.org/news-events/news/when-your-parent-is-sick-tips-for-children-on-managing-feelings/ 

https://www.everettclinic.com/health-wellness-library/sick-parent.html 

https://aurrumkids.com.au/news/how-change-in-routine-affects-child/

Signs of a toxic relationship and what to do about it

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No relationship is perfect. Even if you get along just fine with your friends, relatives, and partner, there will always be ups and downs. However, you probably know of some relationships that seem negative and unbalanced in the way one individual treats the other. Maybe you’ve experienced something like this yourself, where instead of lifting you up, someone you know goes out of their way to bring you down. 

Maybe a friend always makes backhanded compliments, or maybe a parent continually blames you for things out of your control. Maybe a romantic partner constantly criticizes or belittles your opinions, choices, or appearance. 

These types of behaviors are more than annoying personality quirks: they’re red flags that you’re in a toxic relationship.  

What is a “toxic relationship”? 

Charlie Health defines a toxic relationship as “any relationship that is damaging to your mental health, self-esteem, and overall well-being,” and it can apply to friends, family, romantic partners, or other people you know.  

Toxic relationships are often characterized by lack of boundaries, manipulation, and constant stress on the receiving party. 

Are toxic relationships the same as abusive relationships? 

No. All abusive relationships are toxic relationships, but not all toxic relationships are abusive. A toxic relationship is characterized by a lack of respect and boundaries. Sometimes these behaviors might be unintentional, if the person truly doesn’t realize what they’re doing and how it’s making you feel. 

However, if they don’t change their behavior after you let them know how it’s affecting you, and if they continue to try to belittle, harm, or control you, then you might be looking at an abusive relationship.  

Sometimes the problem is too difficult to handle yourself. If you need more specialized help, the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you. Call 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788.  

What are some signs of toxic behavior? 

Although toxic relationships can manifest in multiple ways, here are some of the main tell-tale signs that you’re in an unhealthy situation.  

  • They guilt you. A lot. Whenever you can’t or aren’t interested in doing something they want to do, the person immediately starts saying things intended to make you feel ungrateful, uncooperative, inconsiderate, or a bad person in general.  

 

  • You always feel like you’re walking on eggshells: if you always find yourself having to be careful about what you say and how you say it because this person often reacts badly, it’s a sign that you’re not in a healthy situation. Relationships should be a safe and open space, not a reason for anxiety, and you shouldn’t have to be guarded about every little thing you say. 

 

  • They make you feel bad about yourself: does your friend constantly make you feel embarrassed about the outfits you wear? Does a parent make you feel like you’re not smart enough (“Only a B+?”) or compare you unfavorably to your sibling? Although the comments themselves may only be small digs, they add up over time, they sting, and they create an unhealthy dynamic that erodes your self-esteem.  

 

  • Your needs are unimportant: you often feel like you’re doing all you can to meet the other person’s wants and needs, but you don’t see the same in return. In fact, when you bring up how you feel or what you want to see from them, you’re often ignored or dismissed. It can be something small like wanting an occasional compliment from your partner or asking your friend to sometimes consider your wishes when deciding on social plans.  

 

  • You don’t feel like yourself anymore: you spend so much time doing what the other person wants in order to please them that you stop thinking about what you want. Lately, it seems like you only go to the places they like, with the people they like, and do things they like. When you try to switch it up to something you want to do, they get frustrated or angry and either refuse, or go unwillingly and then make you, themselves, and everyone around them miserable. 

How can I navigate a toxic relationship? 

  • Recognize the need for change: acknowledge that this relationship is currently not healthy, and that you deserve to see a change.  
  • Communicate and set clear boundaries: talk to the other person and express how you’re feeling. Let them know what you expect from them in the future, and clearly define what’s unacceptable for you.  
  • Cut off contact, if necessary and possible: So you’ve talked to the person, but nothing has changed. Maybe it’s time to consider cutting off this relationship, if it’s possible. Here are more specific tips for different relationships: 
  • Friendships: You can either have a candid conversation with your friend, stating your feelings and your desire to end the relationship, or you can gradually cut contact, including on social media. It’ll depend on what you feel is best for the situation.  
  • Romantic relationship: if it’s safe to do so, and if you feel ready to follow through, have the same kind of tough conversation and plainly state your desire to end the relationship. If you can, make a clean break and don’t let yourself be drawn into “can we talk about it” or “let’s make this work” or “I’ll do better” conversations.  
  • In both of these situations, there may be drama, and others may choose sides and try to get involved, but your true friends will stand by you.  
  • Parents: we understand it is harder to cut a parent out of your life, especially if  you still live with them. First,  understand you have a right to be respected. It isn’t okay for parents to criticize, belittle, or embarrass you, just because you’re their child.  You also have a right to prioritize your own needs without being guilt-tripped. Once you understand this, start thinking of what boundaries to set. For example, tell them you want to be alone from 7-8 PM because that’s your time to do homework, or let them know your social life is not a topic you want to discuss. If you try to do this respectfully and they still invade your peace, we recommend using an exit strategy: be ready to walk out of the situation, whether means leaving the room or stepping out of the house for a while to meet with a supportive friend.    
  • Other family members: if you have an overly critical grandparent, or an aunt who’s inconsiderate of your feelings, try to avoid interactions. Unless it’s special occasions like holidays or birthdays, reduce contact with them to protect yourself. If a parent tries to push you to talk to them, explain why you don’t feel comfortable doing so. If you’re in the same room and they’re steering the conversation towards your personal life, deflect them (kindly) by saying something along the lines of “I don’t feel comfortable discussing this. Could we talk about something else?”. For more advice on dealing with extended family, especially during holidays, you can read this blog entry. 
  •  Seek support: talk to other friends and family about your situation, and if possible, reach out to a professional who can guide you through this complicated transition.   

     

    As we said earlier, it is normal to have rough patches with the people in our lives: sometimes we might argue, sometimes we might say something we don’t mean…but when these behaviors are the norm and not the exception, it’s time for you to reflect on whether this is a relationship that’s healthy or beneficial for you. Please remember that nothing positive comes from someone dismissing or belittling you, guilting you, or shaming you, then claim they’re doing it for your good. That person is trying to build themselves up by tearing you down, but no healthy relationship is ever built on communication patterns like that. 

     

    Need more help? 

    Here at The Bougainvilla House, we’ll provide you with safe and compassionate care as you take the necessary steps to navigate and leave these unhealthy relationships. To start your healing journey, call us at (954)-764-7337. 

     

Hobbies and Mental Health: The Connection

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Raise your hand if you’ve ever found yourself doomscrolling until your eyes hurt.  

You have lots of company.  

To make matters worse, unless you have nothing but cute kittens and puppies in your feed, the content you consume online can leave you feeling anxious, numb, depressed, or up to there in FOMO.  

But being online is so accessible, and ditching the internet entirely isn’t exactly realistic. So how can you navigate the digital world in a way that nourishes your mind?  What can you do instead to enjoy your spare time and be a little kinder to yourself?  

That’s where hobbies come in! 

Hobbies and interests allow you to have fun and connect with others, but did you know they also provide you with many health benefits?  

Whether you’re looking for friendship, an absorbing interest to fill your spare time, or want to release some stress, hobbies can help!  

What qualifies as a hobby?  

Anything that you do for fun counts as a hobby. According to WebMD, a hobby is any “activity that you frequently do for pleasure during your leisure time,” regardless of your expertise level. These can include creative, intellectual, and physical pursuits.  

Whether it’s something as interactive as gaming or playing basketball, as engaging as painting, playing the guitar, or reading, or more passive, like watching movies or following your favorite baseball team, anything that absorbs and entertains you during your spare time counts as a hobby.  

A hobby can relax or challenge you, depending on what you want to achieve. Sometimes it’s the first step to making a dream come true, such as playing bass in a band or seeing your photograph on display in a gallery. But the great thing is, you can decide. If you just want to spend quietly enjoyable personal time on your hobby, that’s fine. If you want to share your interest with others or aim for mastery, that’s fine too!  

Mental health benefits of hobbies 

If you’ve been struggling with your mental health, hobbies might help you feel better.  

According to psychiatrist Svetlana Famina, MD, hobbies can “distract us from negative thoughts, which may generate negative feelings that lead to mental illness.” 

She also says, “recreational activities help us avoid boredom and burnout, both of which can lead to depression.” 

Research also suggests that actively participating in hobbies helps us reduce stress. In a recent survey conducted by the Australian Psychological Society, four in five participants found that spending time on a hobby was an effective way of managing stress. Another study done in New Zealand found that engaging in creative activities can lead to a long-term, improved sense of wellbeing.  

Hobbies can also help you curb loneliness, offering opportunities to seek out a small community of like-minded people. As you share your interests with others, you’re forming   

 

What if I don’t have any hobbies? 

Believe it or not, you’re not alone. In a 2016 survey conducted by aytm, 15% of 1000 participants said they “didn’t have hobbies”.  

The reasons differ: some say they don’t have the time for it, while others say they are active online and never really cultivated an interest or a hobby. Some people may not consider their preferred activities to be ‘hobbies,’ e.g. walking, working out, or watching a favorite TV series.  

If you don’t feel you have specific interests or pastimes, but would like to find one, here are some examples and recommendations:  

  • Think about things you liked doing in childhood: What were your favorite activities when you were a child? Did you color for hours, enjoy dance lessons, or prefer playing soccer? Think about favorite school subjects, clubs, sports, and activities. What childhood or school interests could turn into personal hobbies?  
  • Indoors or outdoors? Do you love being out in nature, or do you prefer staying in the cool comfort of A/C, especially given our south Florida summers?  It’s important to be honest with yourself: before you take up half-marathon training, be sure you can stand the heat!  
  • Take a quiz: If you’re really stuck, you can try an online quiz! A great starting point is a personality assessment. The MBTI test can be a good starting point to learn more about yourself and find out what type of activities you might like. If you just want a quiz that suggests hobbies for you to try, this one suggests a variety of options, and explains the reasons why! 
  • Try an activity with a friend: Ask a friend to do a hobby ‘show and tell’ for you — a great way to try out an activity, find out why your friend enjoys it, pick up some tips, and spend time with your friend as well! 

Seven hobby ideas to get you started  

  • Exercising: If you enjoy being active, why not try a new kind of workout?  Whether outdoors or indoors, the possibilities are endless. Activities like team sports, pickleball, Pilates, martial arts, biking, climbing, and yoga are great ways to use your free time and meet other enthusiasts, while taking care of your physical and mental health! Exercising lowers anxiety, relieves symptoms of depression, and boosts your motivation.  
  • Visual arts: Many people often feel intimidated by artsy hobbies like photography, drawing, and painting because they don’t think they have either the skills or the talent, but don’t let that deter you from trying it!  Take an art course, visit or follow one of the many free online art instruction videos available. If you want to ease into it, try a “Paint By Numbers Kit”. These numbered canvases let you create wonderful illustrations with a little help!  

  • Fishing: For nature lovers, fishing can be a great way to spend time outdoors and relax with friends or family. This hobby keeps you physically active, helps increase your vitamin D intake by being outside, and can give you a renewed sense of purpose. To get started, check out the U.S Fish and Wildlife Service’s guide to fishing! 

Though we only listed seven here, there are tons of other hobbies to try! Use your imagination and don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone and venture into an activity you’ve never done before.  

And remember that hobbies are about having fun! Don’t stress over whether you’re good or bad at something. Set goals if you want, but above all, your pastime should be a way to relax, enjoy yourself, make good use of your free time, and create positive memories and feelings. 

Need more help? 

Here at The Bougainvilla House, we’ll provide you with safe and compassionate care as you learn to cope and lead a healthier life. To start your healing journey, call us at (954)-764-7337. 

Breaking Down Misunderstood Mental Health Conditions

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For too long, individuals struggling with mental health disorders have also faced burdens of stigma and shame.  

Encouraging news — in recent years, Americans have become more understanding of mental health issues, and while we can’t say stigma is nonexistent, the American Psychological Association  (APA) reports that 87% of survey respondents believe a mental health condition is “nothing to be ashamed of”. 

It’s good to see progress in public attitudes toward more well-known conditions such as depression and anxiety. However, we still need to combat misunderstandings and misinformation about more complex mental health conditions and disorders.  

Lack of education, along with media misrepresentation, means individuals already struggling with serious mental health conditions often feel the weight of shame and the need to mask their disorder. In this blog, we want to help end the stigma by replacing some common misconceptions with facts on these often-inaccurately portrayed illnesses. 

Understanding mental health conditions  

 

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) 

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, commonly known as ADHD, is a condition characterized by concentration problems, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. The disorder often develops in childhood, but symptoms, particularly those related to focus and attentiveness, can also appear in the teen years or beyond. 

Common symptoms of ADHD include: 

  • Concentration and focus problems 
  • Difficulty beginning and focusing on tasks or activities, especially those that are tedious, time-consuming, or require sustained mental effort 
  • Trouble with time perception and management 
  • Inability to effectively organize, prioritize, and manage multiple tasks 
  • Short attention span, easily distracted, trouble listening to instructions 
  • Frequent careless mistakes, forgetfulness and inability to keep up with daily tasks like homework or chores 

Hyperactivity and Impulsivity 

  • Physical restlessness, such as fidgeting, tapping, or squirming in one’s seat 
  • Interrupting or talking excessively 
  • Difficulty waiting 
  • Impulsivity 
  • Risk-taking behavior 

Misconceptions about ADHD  

“It’s not a real disorder: it’s just laziness.” 

Many people tend to dismiss individuals with ADHD as being lazy, because the disorder makes it difficult to focus on and complete tasks. ADHD is a developmental condition, not a character flaw or an attitude problem.  

“It’s a childhood-only disorder” 

In many cases, ADHD symptoms show up during childhood, but for others, symptoms only manifest during adolescence or adulthood. In fact, a 16-year-long study of children diagnosed with ADHD showed that 77% of participants continued to display symptoms into adulthood. (Biederman et al. 2012).  

How is ADHD treated? 

Typically, ADHD treatment involves medication as well as coaching in a variety of coping skills and techniques. In addition, therapists may recommend that parents of children 12 and under receive training in behavioral techniques and strategies that will help their child navigate relationships and thrive in school and at home. With this support, individuals can learn to successfully manage their symptoms and function effectively in their daily lives. People often label individuals with ADHD as scatterbrained and disorganized or believe that ADHD-driven behavior is a ‘stage’ that kids will grow out of, but it’s a lifelong mental health condition that needs treatment, coaching, and understanding. 

Bipolar disorder  

Bipolar disorder is a condition characterized by extreme mood swings, characterized by intense highs (mania and hypomania) and lows (severe depression).  

Common symptoms of bipolar disorder include: 

Manic episodes: During this cycle, which lasts for a week or longer, an individual may experience: 

  • an elevated mood  
  • increased energy levels  
  • racing thoughts  
  • recklessness  
  • inflated self-esteem  
  • a reduced need for sleep   

Major depressive episodes: In contrast, the depressive cycle is characterized by intense sadness, hopelessness, anger, loss of interest in activities once enjoyed, lack of self-worth, insomnia, fatigue, and the inability to focus.  

Misconceptions about bipolar disorder 

“It’s just mood swings” 

People misuse the word “bipolar” to describe someone who’s moody, but true bipolar disorder is notable for the intensity and duration of mania and hypomania cycles. If an individual’s mood levels off in a day or so, and they can manage ordinary tasks, they are experiencing mood swings. However, people with bipolar disorder experience repeated cycles lasting a week or more, characterized by intense symptoms that disrupt daily functioning, and even lead to suicidal ideation. 

When you hear the word “bipolar”, you might think it’s just about feeling happy one moment, and then angry a second later, but this condition is far more complex, affecting an individual’s wellbeing, relationships, and ability to live normally.

How is bipolar disorder treated?  

Bipolar disorder is a lifelong condition that typically appears in the teen years or early 20s and can be managed with medication and therapy. Medications like mood stabilizers can help people manage their manic and hypomanic episodes, while antipsychotics can also be prescribed if depressive symptoms continue. Patients also benefit from therapy that teaches healthy coping skills and ways to prevent the return of some symptoms. 

Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) 

Individuals with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) experience unwanted thoughts and fears (obsessions) leading to rigid routines and repetitive, ritualistic behaviors (compulsions) to ease the stress of these upsetting thoughts. OCD can be disruptive and distressing, both for those who struggle with the disorder and for those trying to support them.  

Common symptoms of OCD include: 

Obsessions 

  • Fear of contamination or dirt 
  • Fear of losing or misplacing objects 
  • A need to have or do everything in a certain order 
  • Unwanted thoughts, including aggression and taboo images 

Compulsions 

  • Excessive cleaning or handwashing 
  • Repeatedly checking one’s actions, like unplugging electronics or turning off the stove 
  • Inability to deviate from set routines 
  • Arranging objects in a particular way 
  • Compulsive counting 

Misconceptions about OCD 

“People with OCD are just neatniks (or germophobes)” 

While OCD is largely associated with excessive cleanliness, neatness, tidiness, and orderliness, the disorder is more pernicious than that. People with OCD are caught in a seemingly endless, exhausting loop of behaviors, and struggle with intense feelings of discomfort and anxiety due to their obsessions.  

“OCD is just a personality trait” 

It’s not uncommon to hear someone say they’re “a little OCD” when they really want to say they have strong preferences or habits. Many misinterpret OCD behaviors for personality traits, but the truth is that people suffering from this disorder can’t help or control their obsessions or compulsions without treatment.  

OCD is largely misrepresented by the media and others as describing someone with strong habits and routines, but it’s a disruptive condition that is often accompanied by isolation, unwanted thoughts, and strong feelings of anxiety and shame. 

How is OCD treated? 

OCD can be managed by therapy which seeks to address the fears/obsessions that cause compulsions. Cognitive behavior therapy together with exposure and response therapy may help build tolerance and alleviate the fears created by obsessions. (for example, gradual exposure to dirt and dust).  Antidepressants may also help to relieve patients’ symptoms. 

Understanding and empathy 

Mental health conditions involve complex origins, symptoms and behaviors. They are often mistaken for or coexist with related disorders. Individuals who are not mental health professionals may not fully understand these complex conditions, but with greater awareness of the facts, we hope to help others avoid making uninformed, hurtful statements.  

Education and empathy can go a long way toward erasing the stigma surrounding these and other conditions. Rather than perpetuating stereotypes and misconceptions, let’s promote understanding and support for all those who struggle with their mental health. 

Need more help? 

Here at The Bougainvilla House, we’ll provide your teen with safe and compassionate care as they learn to cope and lead a healthier life. To start their healing journey, call us at (954)-764-7337. 

Understanding and Healing from Self-Harm: A Guide for Parents

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Kenzie* has suffered concussions from repeatedly banging his head against a wall. 

Jordan has bald patches from pulling out their hair.  

Nicole’s hoodie is more than her year-round trademark — it hides the cuts on her arms.  

 Stories like these are more common than you think. According to emergency room reports, self-harm cases among young women have increased 50% globally since 2009 — yet the stigma and shame surrounding self-injury persists.    

 We at TBH think it’s time to end the silence. We want to shed light on the issue of self-injury and equip you with the information you need to talk with your teens about it.  

What is Self-Harm?  

Self-harm, also known as non-suicidal self-injury disorder, is a condition in which people purposely hurt themselves without the intent to cause their own death.  

Self-harm is more common among females than males, and although it is not considered a diagnosable mental disorder, it’s often a symptom of an ongoing condition or problem related to mental health.   

How Prevalent Is Self-Harm?  

According to Mental Health America (MHA), approximately 17% of teens report some form of self-injury. It is more common in teens ages 15-19, and in those suffering anxiety and depression. The number of people who self-harm also varies depending

on racial and ethnic background. According to an article published by the New York Times, more than 20% of Native American teens reported self-injury, followed by Hispanic and white teens.  

However, teens may continue to practice self-harm as they grow older. MHA also cites a 2010 Journal of the American Board of Family Medicine report noting that between 17-35% of college-age young people are self-harming. 

Researchers have found a direct correlation between time spent online on social media and rates of self-harm. Teens who have engaged in self-injury were more likely to spend a greater amount of time on these sites as opposed to those who didn’t. This increased social media exposure was also tied to “greater psychological distress…and suicidal ideation” in teens.  

Why Do People Self-Harm?  

Individuals who self-injure can’t always explain why, even to themselves. Self-harm is often linked to trauma, abuse, the inability to express strong feelings in a healthy way and struggles with mental health issues. Some people self-injure as confirmation they can tolerate the pain, while others want to take out their anger on themselves. Others self-harm because they’re so numb that they want to feel something, even if it’s pain.  

Common stressors connected to self-injury include:  

  • Bullying 
  • Financial worries 
  • Difficult relationships 
  • Low self-esteem 
  • Abuse 
  • Grief 
  • Traumatic experiences 

Self-harm can also be a sign of an underlying mental health condition like:  

  • Anxiety 
  • Depression  
  • ADHD 
  • Eating disorders 
  • Borderline personality disorder 
  • Substance abuse  

Forms of Self-Harm 

 While cutting is the best-known form of self-harm, other methods are also used: 

  • Piercing skin with sharp objects 
  • Burning skin with lighters, cigarettes, household cleaners, etc.  
  • Hitting or punching a wall 
  • Deliberate bruising 
  • Starving or binge eating  
  • Pulling out hair 
  • Misusing alcohol or recreational drugs 
  • Biting 

Warning Signs 

Signs like these could be an indication your teen is self-harming: 

  • Wearing long sleeves or pants, even in hot weather 
  • Scars, cuts, bruises or burns with no reasonable explanation 
  • Repeatedly picking at scabs 
  • Changes in mood, including impulsive behavior  
  • Withdrawal from activities and friendships 
  • Unusual presence of sharp objects  
  • Frequent talk about “accidental” injuries 

What to do if your teen is self-harming  

Don’t dismiss your suspicions or avoid the uncomfortable conversation you must have with your teen. Instead, try initiating a meaningful conversation about their mental health and about your concern that they may be self-harming. Let them know they can tell you anything and that you will listen. Approaching them with a compassionate, nonjudgmental attitude tells them they can feel safe with you.  

When you bring up this subject, be prepared for denials and other strong reactions. Above all, remain calm.  Don’t force your teen to talk about it if they don’t want to. Young people insist that’s not helpful, so be patient with them and remain understanding. Let them know you care and that they can talk to you whenever they are ready.  

Offer help and first aid 

Your teen may be embarrassed and resist talking about their self-harm, but one way to make it easier for them, and to open the door to future conversations, is to show them they matter to you by offering to help them take care of their injuries.  Phrases like these can foster the trust and care your teen needs:  

“Here’s an ice pack for that bump on your head.” 

“Do you want some antibiotic ointment for the cut on your arm?” 

“This burn cream will help with the pain.” 

These small actions help to show your teen that their body matters, and so do they.  

Encourage Them to Seek Help.  

Let your teen know you want to support them and help them find the professional care they need.  Your teen may be more comfortable starting with someone they already know – their primary care doctor. This also gives you the opportunity to discuss your concerns with their doctor, who may be able to refer you to a mental health specialist within your network.  

Another good place to start is the self-harm crisis hotline, which provides free support 24/7 and can also help you locate professional help.  

If you’re dealing with a difficult situation and need to talk to someone immediately, you can text CONNECT to 741741.   

Alternatives to Self-Harming  

Your teen may need alternatives to distract them from self-harming. Help them find healthier ways to channel their feelings and manage their emotions. Here are some suggestions they can try:  

If they’re feeling angry, they can: 

  • Slash an empty plastic bottle  
  • Pop balloons or bubble wrap 
  • Exercise 
  • Hit a punching bag  
  • Snap a hair band on their wrist 
  • Tear or shred paper 
  • Flatten aluminum cans or boxes for recycling 
  • Throw ice cubes against a bathtub, or slam pillows against a wall 

If they’re feeling sad, they can: 

  • Take a hot bath 
  • Spend some time with a pet  
  • Play, sing, or listen to soothing music 
  • Walk in nature 
  • Hug a loved one (even a beloved stuffed animal) 
  • Cook some yummy treats 

If they feel numb, they can: 

  • Squeeze ice 
  • Take a cold bath/shower 
  • Try a diffuser with pungent or potent-smelling essential oils, such as peppermint or cinnamon 
  • Practice meditation and mindful breathing 
  • Dip their fingers into a cold food, like ice cream 
  • Make slime or playdough 

If your teen still feels the urge to hurt themselves, they can try this: 

  • Place stickers, bandages, or fake tattoos wherever they want to injure themselves 
  • Draw on themselves with red marker 
  • Paint on themselves with red tempera paint 
  • Play with face paint 

For more options, the Adolescent Self Injury Association has this free document of 146 alternatives to self-harming.  

Self-harm is a red flag, indicating your teen is struggling with mental health or other issues. If a young person in your life is struggling with self-injury, ending the silence is an important first step toward recovery. Here at The Bougainvilla House, we’ll provide your teen with a safe space, compassionate care, and guidance to help them cope and recover.  

To start their healing journey, call us at (954)-764-7337 

*These are fictional names.  

For More Information:  

What You Need to Know About Human Trafficking

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Thanks to 24/7 access to global news and information, public awareness of human trafficking has grown over the past few years. Even so, it is a crime that lives in the shadows of too many communities in America and around the world. TBH wants to do its part to help educate families about this issue and the role we can all play to prevent and report this abuse of the most vulnerable among us. 

What is Human Trafficking?  

The Department of Homeland Security defines human trafficking as “the use of force, fraud, or coercion to obtain some type of labor or commercial sex act”. Although illegal in the US, it is believed millions of people are trafficked every year, but it is a significantly underreported crime. 

Types of Human Trafficking  

A common misconception is that human trafficking is synonymous with sex trafficking. Although sex trafficking is all too prevalent, human trafficking also includes forced labor. Below you’ll find some of the most common types of trafficking:  

  • Sex Trafficking: individuals are coerced into performing sexual acts including prostitution, participating in pornographic content, stripping, working as an escort, and sex tourism. Any minor who performs commercial sexual acts is considered a victim of sex trafficking, because they cannot legally consent to them.  
  • Forced Labor: victims provide labor or services through coercion and threats. Some common types include debt bondage and child labor. This type of human trafficking is less common in the US than sex trafficking, but too many unaccompanied minors, such as those entering the US alone, are at risk of being coerced by “sponsors” into “working off their debt” with long hours in tiring and dangerous jobs.  
  • Domestic Servitude: performing labor or services within an employer’s household. Domestic work becomes trafficking when the employer coerces or threatens the worker until he or she believes the only choice is to stay. Immigrants are often more vulnerable to this type of trafficking.  

What Groups Are Most at Risk?  

Although victims can be of any age, race, socioeconomic background, and gender, traffickers tend to prey on victims they perceive as vulnerable and easily controlled, so they’ll often go after people who are:  

  • Experiencing economic hardship 
  • Seeking opportunities to build a better life 
  • Struggling with addiction 
  • Suffering from mental health issues 
  • Emotionally and/or physically estranged or separated from family and friends  

More specifically, human traffickers will go after marginalized groups like:  

  • Homeless youth 
  • Children and teens who have been in the foster care system 
  • People that do not have a lawful immigration status 
  • People of color 
  • Individuals within the LGBTQ+ community  

Common Tactics Used to Lure Victims  

Traffickers employ various tactics to identify and entrap their victims.  According to Covenant House Toronto, 25% of their cases reported they were recruited by “friends or peers” who were also victims, and 33% reported they were lured by someone who was a romantic partner.  

While traffickers do use the violent, forceful approach of kidnapping victims and forcing them into servitude, the most common tactic is the “soft sell”, a more insidious method, where the perpetrator turns on the victim after taking time to form bonds of trust. The trafficker identifies and contacts a vulnerable individual, promising whatever they think will appeal most, such as love, jobs, money, and security. They earn their victim’s trust, then force them into the desired form of trafficking.  

What are Some Warning Signs?  

To fight against human trafficking in all its forms, start by learning how to identify “red flags” that may need to be reported to the authorities. If you know someone living under these conditions, according to the Department of Justice, these may be warning signs that this person might be a victim of trafficking:  

  • They live with their employer in poor conditions 
  • They live with multiple people in a small, cramped place 
  • They have few or no identity documents 
  • They appear unable to speak on their own 
  • They are underpaid 
  • They exhibit submissive or fearful behavior 
  • Their partner may be significantly older and displays controlling and isolating behavior  
  • The person appears to be school age, but does not attend school 

It’s important that you share these warning signs with people around you, including your teenage children.  

 

Since so many perpetrators masquerade as people pretending to be romantic partners, discuss this tactic with your teen so they know when to be wary. Encourage them to tell you if they are talking to someone (whether in person or online), but something feels off. By making your teen and their friends aware of the risks, you can help to keep them safe.  

How to Support Victims 

If you think someone you know is a victim of human trafficking, call the national hotline at 888-373-7888 or text 233733 to report a case at the National Human Trafficking Hotline. You can also report it to local law enforcement by calling 911.  

Another way to support victims is to help them find resources. Here you’ll find a list of helpful services ranging from mental health care to employment aid.  

If you don’t personally know any victims, but still want to support them in some way, you can always raise awareness about this issue on social media. Whether it’s reposting statistics, telling someone’s story, or sharing information provided by local organizations, raising awareness helps to make everyone in the community more vigilant and willing to report possible situations in the future. 

Be aware that not all online sources are legitimate, nor is all content on social media accurate. In fact, lately many people have been sharing misinformation on this issue. Although most of the accounts posting about “possible” human trafficking tactics don’t mean harm, they misrepresent what it looks like.  

The insidious approach often used by human traffickers can make their crime difficult to notice and identify. Although it’s always good to keep an eye out for anything that looks or feels off, traffickers don’t often kidnap random people. Instead, they go for people who are particularly vulnerable.   

Organizations that Raise Awareness about Human Trafficking 

If you want to get involved in the fight against human trafficking, we encourage you to check out organizations focused on this issue. It’s always good to seek out non-profits near you, but in the meantime, we’ll leave you with three of the biggest and most trusted organizations you might want to support:  

  • International Justice Mission: This organization works to end all types of modern-day slavery, including the labor and sex trafficking of individuals regardless of age.  
  • Polaris Project: One of the biggest organizations, Polaris combats all forms of trafficking of individuals of any age. In addition to their work, they also dedicate their time to gathering data from the National Human Trafficking Hotline in order to aid more people. 
  • Love146: This international non-profit focuses on ending child trafficking. Love146 offers both prevention programs and services for survivors in the US and in the Philippines.  
  • United Abolitionists: this Florida organization focuses on acting as first responders for human trafficking cases, providing victims with care, and raising awareness.   

 

Need More Help?  

If you or anyone you know is struggling with mental health, consider contacting professional help. Here at The Bougainvilla House, we’ll provide you with a safe space and compassionate care as you learn to cope, heal, and live a healthier life.  

Call now to find support for you and your family: (954) 764-7337.   

Navigating Changing Family Dynamics as Your Teen Goes to College

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Picture of a family. Daughter is in front, holding box with her belongings. Mom's on the left, holding a pillow, and dad's on the left, holding a box.

You did it. You just dropped off your baby at college, and now you’re on what seems like the longest ride back home. Gone are the days of picking them up at school, making them dinner every night, ferrying them to activities, and seeing them around the house.  

So, now what? After 18 years, what are you supposed to do now that they’re off at college? 

The transition to college can be a challenging time for students and parents. While your teen is learning to navigate the world on their own, you’re re-learning how to lead a life that’s not heavily focused around them. It is only natural to feel a bit lost during these first few months. If you want some helpful tips on how to navigate family dynamics during the college transition, keep reading! 

How to Navigate Changing Family Dynamics as Your Teen Goes to College

It’s Okay to Miss Your Child 

It’s completely normal to miss your child and feel sad because they’re not at home with you, but these feelings will pass. Yes, you will always want to see them, but you’ll get used to their absence as time goes on. In the meantime, don’t feel embarrassed because you’re missing them. These feelings are totally okay. 

Set Aside Some Time to Call Them 

Even though going to college is supposed to help young adults to be more independent, that doesn’t mean you need

to cut off all contact with them. At the other extreme, don’t expect to hear from your child on a daily basis: they need space to build new relationships and routines. Talk with your child and figure out a good time to call or text them. This doesn’t have to be every day, but a couple of times during the week doesn’t hurt. 

Besides, they’re probably missing you too! They might not want to admit it, but once the initial wave of move-in excitement passes, many students struggle with homesickness in those first weeks and months of college. In fact, as many as 66% of first year students will feel homesick, so make sure you work out a ‘just right’ plan to keep everyone happy and in touch.  

Plan a Family Visit 

If you’re really missing your child, you can always plan a visit to see them. Did you know that most colleges have a “Parents’ Weekend”?  Find out when your child’s college will host theirs, and plan to go then to take advantage of any activities hosted by the school. It’ll be a great opportunity to see them in their new home! 

Find a New Outlet or Hobby to Distract Yourself 

You may be continuing to work or have taken a job to pay the bills.  That alone can be a big transition, along with 

your child’s move to college. But in your free time, you may find the best way to cope with this new reality is to immerse yourself in a hobby or activity. This can look like going to the gym, signing up for a class you’ve always wanted to take, or finding a new volunteer opportunity or activity you enjoy doing!

Think about it: as your children start heading off to college, you’ll start having more time on your hands to do things you want to do. Don’t feel guilty if you want to do something for yourself: it’s okay to focus on you as a person with your own interests.  

And this goes for both parents: if you see your spouse is also having a tough time, find a way to do something together that can take your mind off your teen. They’ll appreciate it.  

Find Other Parents in the Same Situation as You 

In times of change, it’s always good to have a community to support you! If you have any friends whose children are also in college, you will be a great support system for each other, as you get used to your new normal. If you don’t, no need to worry! You can go online and search for a parents’ group at your child’s college, where you can share your own feelings, and see how they’re coping too.  

When something goes wrong – and it will 

They get sick or injured. They fail a class. They have roommate issues. They run out of money. They may try and even have a bad experience with substances. They’re feeling anxious, lonely, or depressed. They aren’t sure the college or the program is right for them.

While you hope the first year of college will be smooth sailing, problems will crop up, and sometimes they aren’t easily resolved.  As parents, your job is to support your child, but be careful not to micromanage them, even though you may want to swoop down and fix the problem.   

Stay in touch and, as best you can, try to be a sounding board for your child as they work out solutions for themselves. It’s okay to offer suggestions and, if it is truly serious, to step in if you must, but wait until you know your child wants and needs more direct assistance. Be especially sensitive to mental and physical health issues and encourage your child to seek assistance early. 

And then they come home 

The first time or two that your student comes home, things feel different, for you and for them. Remember that they have gotten used to some independence, and that you all need to navigate this new normal. Our Home for the Holidays: A Survival Guide for College Students blog post explores some of the issues and feelings teens face when they come home for holidays and visits – it might be a useful read for you as parents as well!  

When your young adult goes off to college, it can be difficult at first. You will experience a lot of new emotions, and it can feel overwhelming, but understand this is the beginning of a new chapter in their life and in yours. Just because you won’t see your child every day doesn’t mean you need to stop caring for them; it means you’ll be taking on a slightly different role. You get to step back a little and let them take more control of their lives.  

Of course, if they ever need you, you’ll be there for them, but also trust yourself and know that you did everything you could to set them up for success.  

Need More Help? 

If you’re struggling with this time of transition, we can help. The Bougainvilla House offers parenting workshops to provide tools and strategies that may help you get used to this new chapter of your life.  

Call now to find support for you and your family: (954) 764-7337 

Celebrate and cheer – you have a college student in your life now! 

Supporting Your Teen Through Mental Health Issues: Anxiety, Depression, and Emotional Regulation Skills

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Have you ever wished you had a magic wand to banish anxiety and depression from your teenager’s life?

Every day, your teen could be dealing with multiple sources of stress, including the pressure to:

  • excel in academics
  • meet family and societal expectations
  • fit in with classmates
  • secure a promising future
  • cope with big issues like gender, sexuality, economic, and environmental concerns

All while projecting an online life full of so-called Instagrammable moments! No wonder your teen can feel overwhelmed.

While we can’t conjure away these burdens, we can certainly provide you with some powerful strategies to help your teen preserve a sense of optimism, even while navigating through emotional distress.

In this blog, we’ll dive into the world of teen anxiety and depression and explore effective strategies for emotional regulation. These strategies will serve as a guide to support your teen when you recognize their emotional distress.

Understanding Teen Mental Health Causes and Issues: Your Role as Parents

The U.S. Surgeon-General has called the alarming increase in mental health issues among American youth “the defining public health crisis of our time”. In fact, according to the CDC’s Youth Risk Behavior Surveillance Data Summary & Trends Report: 2011-2021, more than 4 in 10 (42%) students felt persistently sad or hopeless and nearly one-third (29%) experienced poor mental health in 2021. This emphasizes the importance of addressing these issues and providing support for your teen.

Icon of a brain thinking with a statistic below.

As a parent, it’s important to know that the teenage years are a crucial and often turbulent time affecting your child’s social and emotional development and their mental well-being. You can support them by encouraging good habits like practicing mindfulness, eating well, and getting regular rest and exercise, as well as helping them to develop strong problem-solving skills and supportive relationships. For good or ill, your teen’s friend group and the quality of your family’s home life also significantly impacts their well-being. In addition, watch for potential threats like bullying, violence, or possible substance abuse. Some youth may be at higher risk for mental health issues due to their specific circumstances and need additional care and support, including teens experiencing:

  • unsafe, unhealthy, or difficult living conditions
  • discrimination, poverty, and marginalized backgrounds
  • limited access to quality support and services
  • chronic illnesses, autism spectrum disorder, intellectual disabilities, or other neurological conditions
  • pregnancy, parenting, early or forced marriages, or foster care

Signs your teen may be having mental health difficulties

In addition to more overt symptoms like mood swings, irritability, anger, and tearfulness, you may observe:

  • low energy
  • notable changes in sleep, weight, eating habits, or other everyday patterns
  • excessive exercising, or fear of gaining weight
  • loss of interest in the things they usually love, or quitting activities that they enjoy
  • spending more time alone, and withdrawing more than usual from friends, family, and community
  • canceling plans with their closest friends with little or no explanation
  • academic struggles that seem different or more intense: for example, failing quizzes in their favorite subject or refusing to do homework they used to easily handle
  • running thoughts or worries that won’t leave them alone
  • a whole new set of friends you’ve never met before
  • engaging in risky or destructive behavior alone or with friends
  • refusing to talk about what’s bothering them, even after you’ve made it as safe as possible to openly discuss hard issues
  • Obsessing over a certain goal, possibly with the belief that if they don’t achieve it, their life will never be the same
  • signs of drug, alcohol or other substance use
  • signs of self-harm such as cuts, burns, bruises, etc. that your teen tries to hide or can’t explain fully and credibly
  • indications they may be having suicidal thoughts
  • statements that they think someone is trying to control their mind or that they hear things that other people cannot hear

Remember, simply noticing one symptom from a list doesn’t necessarily mean your teen is facing a serious mental health issue. Biological changes, including hormonal shifts that all pre-teens and teenagers experience, can impact their mood, school performance, and more. However, if you regularly observe one or more of these signs, it’s essential to initiate a discussion about mental health with your teenager.

Emotional Regulation Skills: An Overview

Emotional regulation, the ability to effectively manage and respond to our emotions, plays a crucial role in maintaining mental well-being and can even alleviate the symptoms of anxiety and depression. When we take the time to release our emotions in a suitable manner and allow ourselves to recover, we experience a sense of satisfaction in how we handled the situation. This feeling of accomplishment not only improves our current mental state but also equips us to better handle similar situations in the future. The good news is that you, or a professional, can help teens to learn and hone these skills – and by actively working on emotional regulation, they can cultivate a healthier and more resilient mindset.

Practical Tips for Parents: Helping Your Teen with Emotional Regulation

A few tips to help your teen develop emotional regulation skills include:

Identify and reduce triggers: This is an important step in helping your teen manage their strong emotions. Encourage them to look for patterns in their environment and situations when they experience intense feelings. Sometimes, these emotions can stem from deep insecurities or past trauma, making it initially challenging to pinpoint their cause. However, having awareness of triggers is empowering, as it allows your teen to avoid them when possible and feel more in control when they cannot be avoided. Prompt your teens to reflect on what is happening around them and why it reminds them of something painful. By understanding and acknowledging these triggers, your teen can take proactive steps to minimize their impact on their emotional well-being.

Tune into their physical symptoms: Emotions can be amplified by other physical factors (e.g. being hungry or tired) — like turning up the volume of their feelings. Recognizing and addressing these factors might help temper their emotional response. Ask your teens if they feel more overwhelmed when they’re ‘hangry’, haven’t slept well, or maybe about to get their period.

Consider the story they’re telling themselves: We can’t read our teens’ minds, but we can consider the story they might be telling themselves. Strong emotions can sometimes cause us to jump to conclusions, and not always the right ones. Advise them to hold off judgment for a moment, and ask them: “What other explanations might be possible?”

Engage them in positive self-talk: When emotions are running high, self-talk can easily turn negative. Your teen may internally say “I messed up again.” “I’m useless.” Instead, encourage them to treat themselves with empathy and to think positively. “I always try so hard.” “I’ll do better next time.” Positive self-talk helps calm their feelings and transforms the moment into a plan for doing better next time.

Encourage mindfulness: Practicing mindfulness can help your teen stay connected to their emotions without feeling overwhelmed. Engage in guided mindful exercises with your teen. There are numerous resources available, including apps and websites that offer guided meditations or mindfulness exercises specifically designed for teens. Here is one. These exercises can help your teen relax, reduce anxiety, and increase their overall sense of well-being.

Promote healthy expression of emotions: Let your teen know that it’s okay to express how they feel. Validate their emotions when they do. Take their feelings seriously — sometimes your teen just needs you to listen and be there for them.

Help them curb impulsivity: When your teen feels angry or afraid, it’s important to remind them that their reactions can sometimes hurt the people around them, including you. Advise them to think before responding, to take a moment to pause and take a deep breath. Counting to ten can also help bring some calmness to their mind. By doing this, they can create space for a calmer, logical and kinder response. It’s crucial to focus on what’s best for both them and you in these situations.

Shift their focus to positive emotions: Human beings are prone to ‘negativity bias’ meaning we pay more attention to negative emotions than positive ones. Positive feelings are less dramatic, but so important to your teen’s mental health. Encourage your teen to try to focus on the positive moments, and the way it boosts their resilience and well-being.

Encourage and suggest stress management techniques: Techniques like deep breathing, physical exercise, and creative outlets can help manage stress. Encourage them to explore activities that allow them to express themselves. These activities can serve as a healthy escape and help redirect their emotions in a positive way.

Remember, as a parent, it’s essential to model these techniques yourself. By practicing these strategies and encouraging your teen to do the same, you create a supportive and healthy environment for both of you.

How Parents Can Support Teens Struggling with Anxiety and Depression

Supporting a teen struggling with mental health issues can feel overwhelming to them and to you. Here are a few ways you can help:

  • Validate their emotions: Let them know their feelings are real and important.
  • Build a strong support system: Encourage supportive relationships with friends and family and consider seeking the help of a professional counselor or therapist.
  • Seek professional help when necessary: If your teen’s symptoms persist or worsen, don’t hesitate to seek professional help. At The Bougainvilla House, we offer a range of services for youth and families.
  • Pay attention to your own mental well-being and seek help if you need it.

Early intervention is key in treating anxiety and depression. There are many professionals ready to help, from therapists and counselors to psychiatrists.

TBH can help

If your teen is having trouble coping with anxiety and depression, don’t be afraid to seek support for them.

If they want professional help, look for a safe person and space in which to talk. The Bougainvilla House is here for them, with an understanding and welcoming staff and environment. We are ready to assist them and your family. Take that important first step and ask for help.

The Bougainvilla House also offers Workshops to provide tools and strategies that support healthy families and nurture future generations as they grow.

Call now to find support for them and your family: (954) 764-7337.

Conquering low self-esteem: How to boost a fragile sense of self-worth

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Girl sitting on the floor with hands on her chin with low self-esteem.

Would you say an emphatic “Yes!” to the questions “Do I like myself? Am I a person of worth?”  

If you can’t say ‘yes’ with assurance, you’re not alone.   

Call it self-esteem, self-confidence, self-love, or self-acceptance — we all face issues with our sense of self-worth at some point. If you struggle to maintain a positive self-image, please know that you DO matter and you ARE a person of value. Period. But knowing it and feeling it are not always the same thing.  

Maybe your sense of self-worth is fragile, or maybe you just want to feel yourself again. Either way, here is some information to help you understand the many factors that affect a person’s self-esteem, and some tips to help you resist those moments of doubt. 

Your self-esteem changes day to day, impacted by factors such as: 

  • the small and not-so-small successes and failures you inevitably experience.  
  • the important people in your life, and how they perceive and interact with you. 

What is self-esteem?  

Self-esteem is the way you feel about yourself and your worth as a person. It’s based on how you value yourself –similar to self-respect, which describes how confident you are in your abilities and attributes. 

Self-esteem develops during childhood and evolves throughout your teens and adulthood. During childhood, self-esteem is largely influenced by your school experiences and by your interactions with your parents, caregivers, and teachers. During the teen years, your sense of self-worth becomes increasingly influenced by your ability to meet your own expectations and those of others, as well as by your developing identity and self-perception. 

As a teen, just figuring out who you are and feeling good about yourself can be a daily challenge. But protecting and maintaining healthy self-esteem is critical. Your sense of self-worth and value can affect – well, everything! – your decisions, relationships, choices, mood, academic and social success, and your general mental and physical health. 

Let’s start by understanding the elements that together impact one’s sense of self-worth. 

Components of self-esteem 

Healthy self-esteem is formed at an early age by a combination of the following qualities. These components are based on the work of Toronto psychotherapist Dr. Joe Accardi.  

  1. A feeling of personal and interpersonal security – Feeling secure in yourself, your potential, and your familial relationships. 
  2. A sense of social belonging – Feeling accepted and cherished by friends, relatives, and groups (such as sports teams or school clubs) that are important to you. 
  3. A sense of purpose – Feeling encouraged to establish and strive toward your goals.  
  4. A feeling of being capable – Being empowered to make your own decisions and employ creative problem-solving, which develops a sense of mastery over your circumstances. 
  5. A feeling that you can trust yourself and others, and that they in turn trust you. 
  6. A sense of contribution – Contributing to a “greater good” and establishing the practice and habit of giving back. 
  7. A feeling of influence – Feeling the confidence to have some say in decisions or offer your opinion on a topic. 
  8. A feeling of self-control – Practicing self-discipline, thereby reinforcing the sense that you can manage your feelings and your life. 
  9. A sense of reward – Validation by others and the ability to praise yourself for the things you achieve, whether large or small. 
  10. A sense of family pride- If you are ashamed of your family, it may also be hard to love yourself. Learning about your family’s history can help you understand and appreciate their place in the past and present.  

Factors that influence self-esteem

No question, the ups and downs of daily life affect your sense of worth. You might feel good about yourself one day and not so good the next. But it’s also important to realize that some of the factors that impact your sense of self-esteem are more deep-rooted, and you may not be aware of the role they play. Your self-esteem may be affected by: 

  • Age 
  • Disability 
  • Genetics 
  • Illness 
  • Physical abilities 
  • Thought patterns
  • Socioeconomic status 
  • Racism and discrimination 
  • Life experiences 

Research has shown that racism and discrimination can negatively affect self-esteem, as can genetic factors that help shape your personality. However, life experiences are thought to be the most crucial factor, including: 

  • Unhappy childhood where parents (or other significant people such as teachers) were extremely critical 
  • Poor academic performance in school, resulting in a lack of confidence 
  • Ongoing stressful life event such as relationship breakdown or financial trouble 
  • Poor treatment from a partner, parent or caregiver, for example, being in an abusive relationship 
  • Feeling unattractive/comparing yourself to others and on social media. 
  • Ongoing medical problem such as chronic pain, serious illness or physical disability 
  • Mental illness such as an anxiety disorder or depression. 

If you’ve been through a tough time, (for example, perhaps you experienced bullying or abuse), it can make you feel like you’re not good enough or that something is wrong with you. Similarly, if you struggle to succeed at the things you care about, it can shake your confidence in yourself and your abilities.  

For example, if your parents put a lot of pressure on you to do well in school or sports, you might feel like your worth is tied to your grades or athletic achievements. If you don’t do well in these areas, you may feel like you’re a failure as a person. 

Assessing your level of self-esteem 

If you have low self-esteem, you tend to avoid activities where there’s a chance of failure or embarrassment. You might give up on schoolwork, prefer keeping to yourself rather than trying to make friends, or refuse to get involved in sports or other activities. But friends, family, fun, involvement, and a good school experience are all part of a healthy teenage life, so if you recognize behavior like this in yourself or someone you care about, it’s time to get help. 

If low self-esteem is not identified and treated, it can lead to problems such as: 

  • relationship troubles or difficulty making friends 
  • negative moods such as feeling sad, anxious, ashamed or angry 
  • low motivation 
  • poor body image 
  • drinking alcohol and/or taking drugs to feel better  
  • academic struggles, which may limit post-high school opportunities 

It’s normal to lack confidence from time to time — but if it’s escalating and becoming a pattern, it may be time for some self-reflection. If you are unsure about your self-esteem levels, look at these free quizzes to evaluate.  

Self-esteem quiz #1 – https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/tests/personality/self-esteem-test  

Self-esteem quiz #2 – https://kidshealth.org/en/teens/self-esteem-quiz.html 

Building a healthy sense of self-esteem 

It takes effort and time to build up a positive sense of self-worth. Different approaches work for different people, so try only what is comfortable for you. Here are some ideas to think about. 

  • Know that feelings of self-doubt are normal and often, temporary.  
  • Treat yourself with kindness. 
  • Take time to take care of yourself (practice self-care). 
  • Set small realistic goals for yourself. 
  • Try to avoid comparing yourself to others. 
  • Remember you will always have good and bad days, but tomorrow can be a fresh start. 
  • Try to recall past achievements, or occasions when others have complimented you. 
  • Define your worth based on how you feel about yourself, not what others think of you. 
  • Try volunteering. It feels good to help others. 
  • Challenge negative thoughts you might be having about yourself. Remind yourself of your strengths. 
  • Spend time with people who make you feel good about yourself. 

Self-esteem exercises to practice daily

It takes conscious effort and daily practice to push away negative thoughts and boost low self-esteem. Here is an exercise to try: 

  1. Write 3 things that make you feel good. 
  2. Write 3 things you’ve accomplished or that made you feel proud of yourself. 
  3. Write 3 things you love about yourself.  
  4. Ask someone close to you what they like about you. 

Reach out for help 

If you’re having trouble coping with low self-esteem, don’t be afraid to seek support from friends or family members who love you. 

If you want professional help, look for a safe person and space in which to talk. The Bougainvilla House is here for you, with an understanding and welcoming staff and environment ready to assist you and your family. Take that important first step and ask for help.        

The Bougainvilla House also offers Workshops to provide tools and strategies that support healthy families and nurture future generations as they grow.         

Call now to find support for you and your family: (954) 764-7337. 

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