You know life comes with challenges and surprises, but nothing could have prepared you for that diagnosis. Whether it’s your parent, child, sibling, or partner, a tough health condition can dramatically change their life, yours, and your family’s.
Serious and debilitating chronic conditions like kidney disease or life-threatening diagnoses like cancer or ALS place emotional and physical burdens on both the patient and those who support them.
Navigating this new chapter of life can profoundly affect everyone in the family, which is why we want to offer some advice and resources to help all of you navigate this unsettling new chapter.
How to Tell Your Children
Processing the news yourself is hard enough, but now you have to share it with your children. It’s natural to worry about how they will take the news, especially if it’s a deeply loved parent, grandparent or other relative. We hope this guidance will help you support them as well as the person facing the diagnosis.
Find the right time.
Before you tell your children, make sure you’ve processed the news yourself, so that you can remain composed and able to comfort them and answer their questions. Look for a good opportunity when both you and your children have undistracted time to talk. If you have multiple children of different ages, you may wish to talk to them separately, if possible, while still ensuring you are the one to break the news. This might make it easier to tailor your message, accounting for the different ages and maturity levels.
Use language they will understand.
With younger children, share a brief and simple explanation of what they can expect. Name the disease and tell them what physical signs they can expect (e.g. losing hair because of chemo). Reassure them that neither you nor they will get sick as well. Most importantly, explain how this disease is different from a more common illness like the flu.
With an older child or teen, you may want to go more in-depth, giving more specifics on their loved one’s treatment and prognosis.
Prepare them for possible changes to everyday life.
Let your child(ren) know you might have to spend more time at the hospital or driving their loved ones to appointments, that it might mean schedule changes, and that it’s part of making sure your family member gets the medical care they need. This is also a good opportunity to let your child(ren) know you’ll still be there for them, but you’ll be a bit busier.
Encourage children and teens to comfortably spend time with their sick loved one.
Your children and teens may want to spend more time with their loved one, who may also want to remain part of their lives and not isolated from the family. Encourage them to find ways to bond and spend time together, whether it’s building a Lego project, doing a puzzle, playing games, watching movies together, or any activity they enjoy and that the ill loved one can handle.
Let your children know they don’t need to put their life on hold for their relative’s diagnosis.
Upon hearing the news, some children and teens might feel pressure to change their lives and spend more time with their sick loved ones. While it’s normal for them to want to spend more time with their relative, assure them that they can and should live their own lives too.
Just because Grandma is undergoing treatment doesn’t mean your teen has to quit the swim team or their part time job or give up hanging out with friends. It’s healthy for them to continue to live a normal child’s or teen’s life, with age-appropriate concerns, activities, desires, and aspirations.
How Families Can Cope
Whether you’re shouldering most of the responsibility, or are indirectly affected, we know a serious diagnosis can shake the entire family. Here are some ways you can all take care of each other:
- Talk about your feelings: Talk to someone you trust about what you’re going through and what you’re feeling, and don’t bottle it up. Encourage your children to do the same, and check in up regularly toon see how they’re feeling.
- Lean on each other for support: You’re not alone in this journey; your family and friends are there for you. Whether it’s talking to a sibling, asking a friend to drive your child to practice, or spending more time with your children, find a way you all feel supported and cared for.
- Be understanding: With the additional stress, know that everyone’s feelings (including yours) might be running high. If your children act out or are a little crabby or emotional, try to be understanding. Be consistent with consequences but also take time to understand how they’re really feeling. This is also a good chance for you to open up and share your own feelings with them in an age-appropriate way.
- Maintain routines and expectations: As much as possible, maintain your family’s routines and the same expectations your children are used to, such as bedtimes and meal times, chores, homework, and behavior. In times of change, children find comfort knowing that their routine is still much the same.
Take care of yourself: Even if you’re short on time, don’t neglect basic needs like eating healthy food, drinking water, sleeping, showering, and getting some form of exercise. As simple as these may sound, taking care of yourself is essential. If you have some extra time, do something you enjoy, whether on your own or with your family.
- Find additional support (e.g. therapy or support groups): If the situation has become overwhelming, it might be best to look for more support. Seeing a therapist and/or joining a support group can be important first steps to take. You may also want to consider a meal delivery service, housekeeping help, or an additional caretaker for your children, if your schedule has become too full with your new responsibilities.
Conclusion
We understand that when a family member receives a serious health diagnosis, it can change your family dynamics overnight, but you don’t have to do this alone. Lean on each other and on your friends, and you’ll get through these tough times.
And if you feel like a child or teen in your family needs more support, we’re here to help them with compassionate counseling and appropriate coping mechanisms. Give us a call at (954)-764-7337 — The Bougainvilla House is here for them and for you.
Sources used:
https://www.everettclinic.com/health-wellness-library/sick-parent.html
https://aurrumkids.com.au/news/how-change-in-routine-affects-child/